IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that team sports prepare children for work life but others think individual sports are better. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #team #sports #children #work #life
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There are some people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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thinks
Change the verb form
think
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 that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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group
kinds
 of
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 can help
to
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apply
show examples
teens to understand the issues of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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adult life,
while
 others assume that
the
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apply
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individual
kinds
 of
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 make it better. I think that there are many cons and pros
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 both sides, and I'll try to
discribe
Correct your spelling
describe
 my opinion in
this
 essay. First of all, I would like to talk about the command activity. The
essensial
Correct your spelling
essential
 pros of
such
sport
Correct article usage
a sport
show examples
 is the development of
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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communication skills.
A team
Correct the article-noun agreement
Team
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 members
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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try to understand one
to
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apply
show examples
another. They have to support their friends not only
on
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in
show examples
 the
sports'
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sports
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 part of their lives
,
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apply
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 but
also
on
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in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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other spheres for
purpose
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the purpose
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to win
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of winning
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. They learn to understand what
does
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apply
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it
mean
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means
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 - discipline and order, because the victory depends on each person on the team.
Moreover
, they could
understan
Correct your spelling
understand
 that sometimes they have to think more about the collective needs than about
thereself
Correct your spelling
herself
there self
.
On the other hand
, children that
partisipate
Correct your spelling
participate
participated
on
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in
show examples
an individual
Correct the article-noun agreement
individual kinds
an individual kind
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kinds
 of
sport
 are more independent. They could learn that there
are
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is
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 no somebody else they can rely on.
There
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Their
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 fortune
are
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is
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 in their own hands. But these children can grow up selfish
,
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apply
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 because they are the
center
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centre
show examples
 of their Universe, they are not used to thinking about somebody else. In conclusion, I want to summarize, that all
kinds
 of sports have their cons and pros, and all in all - not always we can say that some kind of
sport
 can prepare children
o
Correct your spelling
for
 adult life, it depends more on the
unbringing
Correct your spelling
upbringing
 given by the parents.
Submitted by anastasia on

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task achievement
Work on expanding and developing your main points with more detailed explanations and examples. For example, you could provide specific scenarios where team sports help with work life or how individual sports can foster self-reliance.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are cumbersome or unclear. Try to vary your sentence structures and make sure each sentence flows logically from the one before it. For example, 'A team members are try to understand one to another' could be rephrased for clarity. Proofreading for grammatical errors will also help.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the accuracy of your vocabulary and grammar. For instance, 'essensial' should be 'essential,' and 'there self' should be 'themselves.' Use tools like spell checkers or grammar-checking software to catch these errors.
task achievement
You provided a balanced discussion of both sides of the argument, which is essential for a 'Discuss both views and give your opinion' essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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