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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries it is now illegal to advertise alcohol. Do you agree or disagree?

#countries #alcohol
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In many republics,
alcohol
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 advertising is banned, and
this
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 essay agrees with
this
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 approach. The
consumption
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 of
alcohol
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 can destroy families and advertisers' influence can undermine individuals' self-identity. Advertising alcoholic beverages should be prohibited because
alcohol
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 significantly affects both the mental and physical well-being of individuals. Excessive
alcohol
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consumption
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 can lead to various mental
health
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 issues
such
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 as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, which have severe impacts on an individual’s
overall
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 life.
Furthermore
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,
alcohol
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 abuse not only harms the individual but
also
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 negatively affects their family and friends. In the Commonwealth of Independent States (CIS) countries, particularly in Russia,
alcohol
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-related deaths were alarmingly high.
However
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, after Russia banned
alcohol
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 advertising on television, there was a noticeable decrease in
such
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 deaths, demonstrating the positive impact of
such
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 a prohibition. Another reason why "drinks of death" should not be advertised is the manipulative nature of
such
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 marketing campaigns. Advertisers aim to increase
alcohol
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 sales, regardless of whether individuals have already exceeded safe
consumption
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 limits. They are indifferent to the detrimental consequences their products have on people's lives. Commercials often portray
alcohol
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 as a luxurious or desirable product, suggesting that its
consumption
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 leads to happiness or social success.
For example
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, an advertisement for Corona beer might depict a beautiful woman enjoying a beer on a beach, creating an association between the product and an idealized lifestyle.
However
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, these advertisements rarely highlight the severe
health
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 risks associated with
alcohol
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consumption
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. In conclusion, advertising alcoholic beverages should be banned globally to prevent the manipulation of consumers and the associated
health
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 risks. Companies should not be allowed to profit at the expense of public
health
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. I sincerely hope that all countries will eventually prohibit
alcohol
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 advertising to safeguard their populations.
Submitted by interclass1982 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and focused, but consider expanding the introduction to provide a bit more context. Clarify the specific stance early to ensure the reader knows your position from the beginning.
task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that your points are not just supported but thoroughly examined. Delving deeper into the relationship between advertising and alcohol consumption can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Using more varied vocabulary and sentence structures can enhance the clarity and richness of your essay. Avoiding repetition and diversifying your language can keep the reader engaged and showcase your proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, with each paragraph contributing to your overall argument. This makes your writing easy to follow and understand.
task achievement
You have provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, such as the situation in Russia. This strengthens the credibility of your argument and demonstrates your knowledge.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both effectively written, clearly presenting your stance and summarizing your main points. This creates a cohesive and compelling argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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