IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
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These days, many celebrities gain fame for their excessive wealth and lavish lifestyles rather than their work, setting a negative example for young
people
. In my perspective, there are indeed a plethora of
such
 cases nowadays but
this
 can be untrue for many others. On the one hand, there are many
people
 who are well-known for non-talent-related reasons. In fact, they may achieve fame and wealth from their families, and partners, or from being scandalous.
This
 causes a negative impact on their fans or followers by setting up a dogma that if they desire to live their dreams, they should focus on appearances and wealth
instead
 of core values
such
 as talents or academic results.
For example
, young girls and boys often idolize famous models and actresses who flaunt their designer clothes, expensive jewellery, and luxurious vacations on social media.
As a result
, they tend to pay more attention to their clothes rather than studying, which possibly damages their careers.
On the other hand
, there are celebrities who are popular for their unique talents or outstanding performances as well.
Consequently
, they show their audience that they have reached success
due to
 strong determination and hard work, and the public should always recognise them for their mastery of arts and great achievements.
For instance
, athletes who have trained rigorously for years and have won medals and trophies deserve to enjoy the fruits of their labour.
Therefore
, they can be ideal role models for young
people
 in society to follow their dreams. In conclusion,
besides
 unworthy celebrities that can have a bad influence on young
people
, there are
also
 famous
people
 for their competence that can inspire young generations.
Submitted by ieltsamiedu on

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task achievement
While the essay does a commendable job of addressing both sides of the argument, there should be more balance in the development of ideas. The second paragraph could be expanded to include more examples and deeper analysis to support the argument more robustly.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear, but some sentences could be connected more smoothly. Using transition words and phrases can help guide the reader through the argument more effortlessly.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are both well-crafted, clearly outlining the main argument and summarizing the points made.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides relevant and specific examples that help to illustrate the points being made, which adds depth to the argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clear, comprehensive ideas are presented, making it easy to understand the writer's point of view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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