IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

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It is thought by some, that the principal way to keep yourself happy is by having plenty of
money
Use synonyms
. Even though, wealth allows people to do many things,
such
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 as travelling and enjoying more of themself without having the necessity of working much.
However
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,
money
Use synonyms
 is not everything and a big part of society is feeling happy with simple things, like doing activities or sports. It is commonly known, that rich people work less than the working class, or at least they have more flexibility in terms of time assisting to work. In that way, avoiding the routine of working 5 times per week 8 hours per day, leading to having more time to enjoy their families and themselves.
For example
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,
while
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 some wealthy individuals are playing golf, others are working in offices or construction sites.
Furthermore
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, they have a flexible schedule and broad budget, allowing them the privilege of taking luxury holidays more frequently, enriching them with new experiences.
However
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,
money
Use synonyms
 is not everything in life, there are many humans who enjoy happiness without being dependent on the Dollar. Some individuals can be really happy just by doing what they love,
such
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 as going to the national parks for walking and enjoying the different landscapes that every region of the world offers.
Additionally
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, a recent quiz has shown that folks who do sports are happier than those who do not.
To sum up
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, that title percentage of the population that have the privilege of being wealthy can do more travelling, enriching life experiences as a source of happiness.
However
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, on the other side, I agree with the statement that there is a big chunk of the population working 5 to 8 enjoying many different activities that do not need
money
Use synonyms
 and provide pure happiness.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, you should work on ensuring that each paragraph flows logically from the previous one. Try to use transitional phrases and linking words more effectively to make the essay read more smoothly.
task achievement
Your main points are clear but can benefit from stronger support and specific examples. Consider providing more detailed examples to illustrate your points better.
task achievement
Try to avoid redundant phrases and ensure that each sentence adds value to your argument. This will help in making your ideas appear clearer and more concise.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a strong structure to your writing.
task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the task, discussing how money can make people happy and what other things can contribute to happiness.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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