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Band 5.5

In many countries today people are choosing to have fewer children. Why is this the cause? What are the effects of this trend on the society?

#countries #people #children #effects #trend #society
It is one of the striking features
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 modern society that
people
 choose not to give
birth
 to
many
Change preposition
as many
show examples
children
 as before. I believe that the deteriorating economic situation is the leading cause for
this
, for their growing concerns for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial security.
This
 can bring about some severe consequences with the
decling
Correct your spelling
declining
 number of workforce
as well as
 the increasing poverty. The primary cause for the
decling
Correct your spelling
declining
decline
birth
rate
 will be the growing sense of suspicion for the downturn of the
economy
 among many young adults.
In other words
, the negative situations with the lower salaries and the higher unemployment
rate
 deter them from having more
children
.
For instance
, the
birth
rate
 in Japan has dropped dramatically from 2 to 1.5 since it had
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 stagnant
economy
 in 2008.
Furthermore
, many
people
 are forced to live under
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor conditions as they are often not even able to afford to pay for their own
accomodations
Correct your spelling
accommodations
accommodation
 and food, which would make it less likely that they can provide
children
 with sufficient
cares
Fix the agreement mistake
care
show examples
such
 as feeding
nutricious
Correct your spelling
nutritious
 food and satisfactory education. The outcome of the lower
rate
 of
birth
 is severe as it leads to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 shortage of workers and
weakening
Correct article usage
a weakening
show examples
 national
economy
 in the long run. Indeed,
Japanese
Add an article
the Japanese
show examples
economy
 has already fallen behind other developed nations as its GDP declined by 30%
for
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the
last
 five years. More businesses have been shut down
due to
 the lack of young skillful workers who are often willing to produce creative items and services, which may be lucrative opportunities for the national
economy
 to expand.
Moreover
, it
also
 accelerates
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poverty as the government does not have a sufficient amount of
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 to support individual lives.
This
 makes
people
 unable to access necessary medical treatments, raising more risks of various diseases and shorter
lifespan
Fix the agreement mistake
lifespans
show examples
. In
conlclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the lower
birth
rate
 has become a serious global issue, especially in many developed nations including Japan. The degrading economic situation is the most
significan
Correct your spelling
significant
 culprit for
this
 as
people
 tend to lose their confidence in raising
children
.
Consequently
, the countries will suffer from the lack of workforce and a lower standard of
life
Replace the word
living
show examples
.
Submitted by mizuho on

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General
Make sure to proofread your essay for minor language issues such as spelling and grammar errors. Correcting mistakes like "decling" (declining), "accomodations" (accommodations), "nutricious" (nutritious), and "conlclusion" (conclusion) will improve your overall presentation.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay’s main points are consistently well-supported with specific examples. While the discussion on Japan provides a strong example, offering additional examples or expanding on the current ones could further strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Although your essay's logical structure is quite strong, adding more signposting language (e.g., Firstly, Secondly, Moreover) can help enhance clarity for the reader.
Task Achievement
Your essay responds to the task well by addressing both the causes and effects of the declining birth rates in detail.
Coherence and Cohesion
You provide a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame your essay.
Task Achievement
The example of Japan is effectively integrated into your argument and adds credibility to your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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