IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. Others say that children should be free to choose what they do in their free time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #time #activities #children #parents
In modern society, there is an ongoing debate about whether parents should choose
leisure
time
activities
 for their
children
 or not, with some
people
 believing that
children
 have to choose their own free
time
activities
. In
this
 essay, I will argue and explain my opinion about
this
 topic. On the one hand, there are two reasons to choose
activities
 by parents.
Firstly
, most
children
 spend meaningless
time
 in their free
time
such
 as playing video games and watching TV programs on TV or mobile devices.
Furthermore
, young
people
 are exposed to a huge amount of violent information and videos through these
activities
. For these reasons, countless adults favour preparing free
time
activities
 for their
children
, which are studies and education.
Moreover
, numerous
children
 have the benefit of great academic grades through educational
activities
 in their
leisure
time
.
For example
,
according to
 the National Statistics Office, most students have increased by 30% of academic
performances
Fix the agreement mistake
performance
show examples
 since they studied in their free
time
.
On the other hand
, having free
time
 exerts a positive effect on
people
's mental and physical health.
Also
, many students have outdoor
activities
 in their
leisure
time
 in order to resolve stress because they get stressed at school.
As a result
, all young
people
 should be free to choose what they want to do in their free
time
.
Additionally
, by having what they want to do,
children
 may realise what they are
interestedin
Correct your spelling
interested in
.
For instance
, all famous artists in the world look for their interests through free
time
activities
. In my opinion, there are some advantages and disadvantages.
However
,
it is clear that
 being free to choose their
activities
 helps them to look for their interests and potential. In conclusion,
while
 it is undeniable that free
time
activities
 that parents organise are beneficial, it is apparent that
leisure
time
activities
 that
children
 choose by themselves have a more positive influence on their health and dreams.
Submitted by garim4645 on

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task achievement
The essay would benefit from more specific, detailed examples to clearly support the main points. Try to include concrete scenarios or studies that illustrate your points more vividly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas to improve the logical flow of arguments. Some sections may appear abrupt or disconnected. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion are present, effectively framing the essay and reiterating the main argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, providing a balanced discussion which is essential for task response.
task achievement
Language is generally clear and understandable, making the ideas easy to follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • balanced development
  • expose children to
  • tailored activities
  • promote discipline
  • foster independence
  • genuine interests
  • free play
  • problem-solving skills
  • emotional well-being
  • unstructured time
  • personal exploration
  • structured activities
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