IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people would argue that
students
Use synonyms
 should not
use
Use synonyms
 their
mobiles
Use synonyms
 in
schools
Use synonyms
,
others
Correct word choice
while others
show examples
 would say that
students
Use synonyms
'
mobiles
Use synonyms
 should not banned at
school
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 using mobile will help children to call their families and take photos for lessons,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that using
phones
Use synonyms
 during the
school
Use synonyms
 day has a bad effect on student outcomes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they will not focus on their studies. On the one hand,
schools
Use synonyms
 should allow
students
Use synonyms
 to
use
Use synonyms
 their
mobiles
Use synonyms
. Because when they
use
Use synonyms
 their
phones
Use synonyms
 , they can take photos for class notes, so
this
Linking Words
 will safe time for teachers and
students
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 should have their
phones
Use synonyms
 in case
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they have any problem, they can call their families.
For example
Linking Words
, some
schools
Use synonyms
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not strict about
Use synonyms
schools
Change the noun form
school
show examples
 time, sometimes they allow
students
Use synonyms
 to leave earlier. For that, having mobile in
schools
Use synonyms
 is important.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that gadgets
wil
Correct your spelling
will
 distract
students
Use synonyms
 easily and they will
feel
Verb problem
find it
show examples
 hard to focus on their lessons.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, educational institutions should not allow any
students
Use synonyms
 to bring their mobile
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
school
Use synonyms
.
The
Correct article usage
School
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 time is important for learning and developing their skills, so they have to focus on their studies without any devices.
For example
Linking Words
, a recent study found that the number of children
had
Correct pronoun usage
who had
show examples
 their
mobiles
Use synonyms
 in
schools
Use synonyms
 increased and
this
Linking Words
 had
bad
Add an article
a bad
show examples
 effect on their outcomes. In my opinion, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 point
view
Change preposition
of view
show examples
 because
schools
Use synonyms
for
Add a missing verb
are for
show examples
 learning only and they can
use
Use synonyms
 their
phones
Use synonyms
 at home. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some people argue that
students
Use synonyms
 should have their
mobiles
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
, it has a negative effect on their grades and their education outcomes.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay presents a clear stance and covers both viewpoints effectively. However, ensure that you are utilizing accurate grammar and diverse sentence structures consistently throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. To improve further, make sure that each paragraph transitions smoothly from one idea to the next.
task response
Your points are relevant and reasonable, but try to include more detailed examples to back up your arguments. This will strengthen your essay and make it more convincing.
task response
You have provided a balanced discussion of both views and stated your own opinion clearly, which is crucial for a task like this.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical order and includes an introduction and a conclusion, which enhances readability.
task achievement
Your main points are clear and well-articulated, offering a comprehensive look at the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: