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Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last decade. discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #decade #effects #trend
Over the
last
 few decades,the proportion of overweight
for
Change preposition
apply
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children
 who live in the west of
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 has risen dramatically
at
Change preposition
to
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 roughly %20.
In other words
,more and more
kids
 are becoming fat every day.It is obvious that
this
 issue has
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of various causes and effects.In
this
 essay,I will address some reasons and
also
 I will express some significant consequences. Let's begin by looking at some causes of
obesity
for
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in
show examples
children
.One of the main reasons for
children
's overweight is related to
genetic
Replace the word
genetics
show examples
.Generally speaking,nearly 67 percent of
kids
 who are suffering from heavy weight have
genetically
Change the adverb
genetic
show examples
 problems.Another striking cause is that
parents
 may not have adequate knowledge in order to feed their
children
 and they cause the
obesity
 of their
kids
.It is argued that the majority of
parents
 reckon that If
children
 eat a considerable amount of
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
,they will become healthier.
However
,
parents
 might not utilise
of
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apply
show examples
appropriate foods for their
children
. It is interesting to note that the
obesity
 of
children
 can include improper influences on their body health and life.
Firstly
,If
children
 get overweight
in
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at
show examples
 younger ages,they will not be able to do their work.
That is
 to say,not only will not
children
 do their own private
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
such
 as cleaning their room,but
also
 they may feel laziness rather than their other friends.
Secondly
,
obesity
 can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
on
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apply
show examples
children
's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
.
In other words
,
kids
 with heavy weight may suffer from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 lack of self-confidence.Clearly,
children
 who have a weight over than usual may be ridiculed by their other friends or classmates
due to
 the fact that they
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not confident about their appearance.
To conclude
,there is no doubt that these days most
children
 are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
involved
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
obesity
 and
this
 problem might have some causes.Take parent's behaviour and
genetic
Replace the word
genetics
show examples
 as examples.
Also
,the overweight of
children
 can substantially influence
on
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apply
show examples
their self-confidence and mind.
As a result
,both
children
 and
parents
 can try to resolve
this
 issue
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some effective ways
such
 as
diet
Change preposition
through diet
show examples
 and exercise.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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general
Make sure to proofread your essay to avoid small grammatical errors and typos which can affect the overall readability. For instance, the phrase "approximately %20" should be "approximately 20%."
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your arguments. Start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Avoid phrases like "Let's begin" and focus on stronger, more academic transitions.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your main points. For instance, cite studies or statistics that back your claims about genetic causes or parental influences.
task achievement
Develop your main ideas further. Instead of mentioning that parents may not have adequate knowledge, you could explore examples of specific foods or dietary habits that contribute to childhood obesity.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task prompt and discusses both causes and effects of childhood obesity, showing a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
There is a solid structure with separate paragraphs for causes and effects, making the essay easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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