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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

As technology advances, travelling to space is likely to become an option for holidaymakers in the future. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of space tourism?

#technology #advances #space #option #holidaymakers #future #tourism
As there are advancements in technology, there will
an
Add a missing verb
be an
show examples
 option for
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 who
are wanting
Wrong verb form
want
show examples
 to travel to
space
 in the future.
This
 essay will discuss what are the pros and cons
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 travelling into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
space
 where I believe it may hamper the
environment
Change noun form
environment's
show examples
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
.
Although
 in tourism sector
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
wide
Add an article
a wide
show examples
 variety of
places
 to choose from, there will an addition of
places
 which can be attract people
want
Correct pronoun usage
who want
show examples
 to visit.
This
 is because if there are limited
places
 where people nowadays are visiting
such
places
 which are historic or relaxing
places
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
available
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will have other choices to make by not restricting it.
Furthermore
,
while
 considering
other branch
Change the wording
another branch
other branches
show examples
 of tourism it can promote new
vacancies opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
vacancy opportunities
show examples
 and
further
 developments as well.
This
 could be beneficial whereby the research and development sectors would bring new innovations
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be useful to explore new
space
 frontier.
For example
, A
space
 company SpaceX Is developing
such
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
rockets where
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 can be useful for occupying
such
 planets, which are habitual for humans in
near
Correct article usage
the near
show examples
 future.
In contrast
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, there are several aspects where
space
 can be a dangerous place to be in. Even though it may seem advantageous
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the cost of travelling to
space
 is expensive for most of the population. Since the cost of
space
 tourism is greater than other segments, only
wealthy
Correct article usage
the wealthy
show examples
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 afford
such
 travel which can be a rare opportunity for
common
Correct word choice
ordinary
show examples
 individuals to have
such
experience
Correct article usage
an experience
show examples
.
Additionally
, the pollution when created would be difficult to clean and be dangerous.
While
 considering it, small debris from
satellite
Fix the agreement mistake
satellites
show examples
 can destroy a large tourist ship which can be fatal
for
Change preposition
if
show examples
 the industry
neglect
Correct subject-verb agreement
neglects
show examples
 the environmental aspects
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
For example
, there are several
such
 satellites
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
orbiting around the earth which have been out of commission
can
Correct word choice
and can
show examples
 pose a threat to the lives in
space
. In conclusion, though it may be tempting for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
such
industry
Correct article usage
an industry
show examples
 to expand its boundaries
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
there are several negative outcomes which can be unmanageable.
Submitted by rico1945m2 on

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Task Response
Ensure that the introduction clearly states the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Avoid vague statements and provide a clear thesis. For example, instead of saying 'This essay will discuss...', specify the main points you will cover.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions to enhance the overall flow of the essay. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
Task Response
While your examples are relevant, try to make them more specific and directly related to your main points. This will help in providing clearer and more comprehensive support for your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. For instance, pay attention to subject-verb agreements and verb tenses to avoid confusion and enhance readability. Consider revising sentences like 'This is because if there are limited places where people nowadays are visiting such places which are historic or relaxing places are available...' to make them clearer.
Task Response
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages of space tourism, providing a balanced view on the topic.
Task Response
The examples used, such as SpaceX and the potential hazards of space debris, are relevant and add value to the discussion.

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