IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

‘It is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos’. How far do you share this view?

#‘it #animals #captivity #zoos’
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So controversial is the statement that zoos are regarded as places that limit the lives of
animals
 . I disagree with
this
 view to some extent, and I will explain why in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, it is believed that in most cases zoos offer a secure and peaceful setting for
animals
,
for example
 in high-quality wildlife parks or reserves. Indeed, in many cases, the
animals
 would suffer from loss of habitat or poaching in the wild, and in
captivity
Add a comma
captivity,
show examples
 they are at least safe and able to breed successfully.
Lastly
, we should remember that zoos and animal parks are part of an integrated system of protecting
animals
, involving habitat protection, breeding programmes and disease control.
This
 all helps to safeguard endangered species and
thus
 preserve the global ecosystem for the future benefit of all life forms. Admittedly, I agree with those who say that the unnatural way in which
animals
 live in
such
 places can make
animals
 have mental issues.
However
, it could be overcome by treating them well with professionals,
such
 as understanding their psychological needs. In conclusion, it seems that keeping
animals
 in captivity is not wholly justified for
animals
 that still have a natural habitat.
However
, I do not entirely accept the opinion that,
due to
 poaching in the wild, some
animals
 need safe places to survive and breed to prevent extinction.
Submitted by k a l l a on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your main points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using more transitional phrases and ensuring each paragraph naturally leads to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all your points are equally developed. Some points are stronger than others, leading to an imbalance in the essay. Aim for uniform depth in your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow your arguments.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view which is crucial in an IELTS essay.
task achievement
You have demonstrated the ability to present clear and comprehensive ideas, making your points understandable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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