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Band 4

Write about the following topic. In some countries today, people are having their first child when they are older. What are the reasons for this? Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#topic #countries #people #first #child #development
Nowadays, the number of individuals especially newborns has alleviated. One of these reasons is in some countries, parents are putting their first baby at older ages. In
this
 essay, I will elaborate on the reasons. I will
also
 expound on what if it pros overshadow the cons. To commence with, ubiquitous inflation made a lot of parents are struggling.
This
 made them delaying have a baby.
In addition
, They want to prepare a suitable environment for him. They first want to live in a house which can fit them.
Moreover
, the wages are of these issues. They would love to gain a better salary to suit their life.
For example
, a better place means high bills,
thus
 they want high income. Ultimately, individuals believe that they are not mentally ready. They want to enhance their way of thinking to be able to raise their infants.
Furthermore
, a lot of benefits can be demonstrated.
Firstly
, the kids will be raised in a good environment,
hence
,
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will go to a good school. Probing
further
, They will live in
well developed
Add a hyphen
well-developed
show examples
 areas with superior infrastructure. They will secure a fine healthcare system.
Finally
, the family will be united and they will foster each other. In conclusion, it is better to have a good child with a suitable area than to bring a child at an early age
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and be unable to handle him. The government should play a critical role in
this
 method by increasing awareness among citizens.
Submitted by mohannadsme on

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coherence cohesion
Provide a clearer structure by clearly separating your ideas into distinct paragraphs and ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your main points. For example, mention particular countries or real-life instances where people are having children later and how this affects their lives.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on expanding and explaining your points in more detail to achieve greater clarity and comprehensiveness.
task achievement
You have identified some key reasons why people are having children later, such as financial stability and mental preparedness.
introduction conclusion present
You have included a clear conclusion which reinforces your main argument.
supported main points
You have attempted to support your points with relevant ideas, such as the importance of a good environment for raising children.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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