Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent on free time activity of young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

In today’s
society
, the
education
of the young
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
being emphasised a lot. Some
people
think an increased amount of government money should be spent on the free time activity of young
people
. From my perspective, I disagree with
this
statement.
To begin
with, it is vital for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young teenagers to receive
education
Correct article usage
an education
show examples
as they can be used to help
people
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
For example
, if they can receive debate lessons or training when they are young. They are likely to develop aspirations in being a lawyer or studying law in university as debating is one of the essential skills that a lawyer should have.
As a result
, if they were to become a lawyer, they
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
possibly help
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
innocent
people
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
and provide justice to them.
Hence
, it is important to emphasise the educational values
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
young
people
.
Furthermore
, emphasising the
education
of the young is essential as they can potentially improve the health of
people
and save their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For instance
, the number of doctors in the NHS is very limited. Many
people
would like to receive healthcare but they couldn’t
due to
the limited space in hospitals like the NHS. So, if
people
are educated
as being
Change preposition
to be
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
. They can possibly work in these hospitals after they
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduate
show examples
.
Therefore
, they can help cure patients if they are ill or even save their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
if they were to be in an accident. In conclusion, I strongly disagree that more government money should be spent on
free
Correct article usage
the free
show examples
time activity of young
people
.
This
is because I believe more emphasis on the
education
of young
people
will greatly benefit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
in the future, outweighing the benefits of investing in more free time
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
young
people
.
Submitted by cherrychan926 on

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language
Ensure subject-verb agreement (e.g. 'the education of the young **is** being emphasised a lot').
task achievement
Expand on ideas presented in each paragraph for a more thorough argument.
coherence cohesion
State clear topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Arguments presented in the essay are relevant and on-topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, providing a clear structure.
task achievement
Examples used in the essay effectively illustrate the points being made.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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