IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent on free time activity of young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

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In today’s
society
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, the
education
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 of the young
are
Change the verb form
is
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 being emphasised a lot. Some
people
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 think an increased amount of government money should be spent on the free time activity of young
people
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. From my perspective, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is vital for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young teenagers to receive
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education
Correct article usage
an education
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 as they can be used to help
people
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 in
the
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apply
show examples
society
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.
For example
Linking Words
, if they can receive debate lessons or training when they are young. They are likely to develop aspirations in being a lawyer or studying law in university as debating is one of the essential skills that a lawyer should have.
As a result
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, if they were to become a lawyer, they
can
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could
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 possibly help
any
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apply
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innocent
people
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 in
the
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apply
show examples
society
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 and provide justice to them.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is important to emphasise the educational values
on
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of
show examples
 young
people
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, emphasising the
education
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 of the young is essential as they can potentially improve the health of
people
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 and save their
life
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lives
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, the number of doctors in the NHS is very limited. Many
people
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 would like to receive healthcare but they couldn’t
due to
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 the limited space in hospitals like the NHS. So, if
people
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 are educated
as being
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to be
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a
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apply
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doctor
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doctors
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. They can possibly work in these hospitals after they
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduate
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they can help cure patients if they are ill or even save their
life
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lives
show examples
 if they were to be in an accident. In conclusion, I strongly disagree that more government money should be spent on
free
Correct article usage
the free
show examples
 time activity of young
people
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because I believe more emphasis on the
education
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 of young
people
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 will greatly benefit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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 in the future, outweighing the benefits of investing in more free time
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
.

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language
Ensure subject-verb agreement (e.g. 'the education of the young **is** being emphasised a lot').
task achievement
Expand on ideas presented in each paragraph for a more thorough argument.
coherence cohesion
State clear topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Arguments presented in the essay are relevant and on-topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, providing a clear structure.
task achievement
Examples used in the essay effectively illustrate the points being made.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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