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Writing Samples
Band 7

One of the consequence of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages.

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Nowadays, many technologies and innovations are used to develop medical
care
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. It has many reasons that an improved medical method can help
people
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 live longer and increase their
lifetime
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. In my opinion, the improvement in medical aid has many positive points but there will be advantages at the same time.
Firstly
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, one evident benefit of having improved media
care
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 is that
people
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 can detect some diseases early
such
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 as cancer. In the past,
people
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 believed that if you had cancer, you would have little time left in your
life
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, especially in an elderly person.
However
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, the development in medical treatment now has many various methods to treat your disease and eliminate it.
In particular
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, older
people
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 can have an extended
life
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 to spend a
lifetime
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 with their family and cousins. In some cases, an improvement in caring can help doctors diagnose actual diseases in patients, reducing failures and making an expanded
lifetime
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.
On the other hand
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, when the progression increases the
life
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 expectancy highly rises at the same time.
For instance
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, some
people
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 realize that an innovative treatment can save your
life
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 whether having terminal cancer.
This
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 kind of understanding can lead cousins to conflict with doctors about why they cannot aid their patients.
Moreover
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, another disadvantage is many
people
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 will not take
care
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 of their health
such
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 as unhealthy consumption, not working out, and so on because they expect that medical treatment can help them get better when they feel ill.
This
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 misunderstanding leads to unhealthy
behavior
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behaviour
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 in society. In conclusion, the fast-forward in medical
care
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 produces many positive treatments to help
people
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 have a longer
lifetime
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 spending.
However
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,
life
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 expectancy has to be managed and educated by the doctor. Because of human nature, there are no solutions that make them live forever.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your main points with specific examples. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next with clear linking words or phrases.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion sums up the main points well, but it could be more impactful. Try to summarize the advantages and disadvantages more explicitly to show a clear stance.
introduction conclusion
The introduction is clear and sets the stage for the discussion by mentioning both sides of the argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages, showing a balanced view which is essential for task achievement.
relevant specific examples
The use of examples related to medical treatments and life expectancy is good; it shows relevance to the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • medical care
  • quality of life
  • manageable
  • curable
  • economic strain
  • aging population
  • social security
  • workforce challenges
  • sustainability
  • overpopulation
  • environmental issues
  • standards of living
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