It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. do you think the advatages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?
Currently, taking risks plays a significant role in becoming successful personally or professionally.
Although
entering an unknown world probably has its own disadvantages, I firmly believe that the advantages are far more valuable.
On the one hand, when someone takes a risk, it probably costs his/her life. As a matter of fact, unfamiliar situations are usually complex, and individuals have to know crisis management to get through them. Albeit
some people have a brilliant ability to manage unpredictable events, a vast majority of ordinary people are not able to challenge their talents, beliefs, and habits. Correct word choice
Although
As a result
, they possibly lose their life. Moreover
, these positions are really stressful. It means that accepting a danger may cause several illnesses to form. For example
, it has been proven that the percentage of diseases like heart attacks, diabetes, and cancers is higher when living under stress.
On the other hand
, success without experiencing difficult moments is not accomplished. If citizens do not take the difficult steps, they cannot get outstanding results. For instance
, when employees go to their workplace every day as a routine without any new challenging effort, they will have their pre-defined and limited salaries. Accordingly
, they may envy the rich's life forever. In addition
, being in hazardous conditions is educational. It is a golden opportunity to make new choices,
and discover exciting and complicated worlds. Remove the comma
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Then
, the rate of satisfaction boosts unbelievably.
In conclusion, despite the potential negative results of taking risks, I think for
achieving goals and improving qualifications, it is inevitableChange preposition
apply
Submitted by omondavlat91 on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, some points in the body paragraphs could be developed further to provide more depth.
task achievement
Although your main points are supported, avoid using absolute terms like 'probably costs his/her life.' Instead, consider using 'can adversely affect one's well-being'.
task achievement
Remember to proofread your work to catch minor errors such as 'probably costs his/her life' (should be 'can cost him/her their life'), 'these positions' (should be 'these situations') and 'boosts unbelievably' (should be 'boosts significantly').
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt effectively and provides a balanced view of the advantages and disadvantages of taking risks.
coherence cohesion
You use logical connectors effectively, which helps to guide the reader through your arguments and makes the essay easy to follow.