Governments should support care vs. finance for retired people while others believe that they should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
There is a debate about the
retirees
should take responsibility for themselves to ensure their retired life
instead
of rely
on Change the verb form
relying
government
supporting
. In Change the form of the verb
support
this
essay, I will discuss both of the notions. In my opinion
, people
should combine the two methods together to ensure their life
after retirement.
There are several reasons for those people
who believed
that Wrong verb form
believe
government
should take responsibility for people
’s retired life
. Firstly
, the
Correct article usage
apply
retirees
deserve the
payback since they dedicate their whole Correct article usage
apply
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
on
working that help contribute Change preposition
to
Change preposition
to the
the
better society; and they pay Correct article usage
a
tax
to the Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
government
during their young working time. Hence
they should get better care from the government
when they get old. Secondly
, it is compulsory for government
establish
medical security and nursing Add the particle
to establish
institution
for their citizens. A developed country not only Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
focus
on economy and technology development but Correct subject-verb agreement
focuses
also
concerns basic live
security for all citizens, elderly care is one of them.
Replace the word
life
On the other hand
, for
those individuals who hold the Change preposition
apply
opinion
that people
should save money for their retired
Replace the word
retirement
life
, they
believe Correct pronoun usage
apply
that is
more safe and reliable for people
ensure
their quality of old Fix the infinitive
to ensure
life
. People
should have awareness to arrange their life
after retirement when they are young. Set a little
budget from their salary for their retired Correct word choice
small
life
and invest in pension financial production to ensure their old life
. Additionally
, nursing institution
and Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
hospital
cannot provide the most comfortable Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
life
to the
Correct article usage
apply
retirees
, most of the aged people
prefer to spend their life
with their Fix the agreement mistake
lives
family
rather than go to old Fix the agreement mistake
families
people
’s home
.
In my Fix the agreement mistake
homes
opinion
, solely rely
on Wrong verb form
relying
government
or Correct article usage
the government
individual
themselves cannot ensure Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
people
’s retired
Replace the word
retirement
life
, people
should combine the two ways together to make sure they have a better life
when they are old. Government
can offer basic security such
as provide
Wrong verb form
providing
Add an article
an annuity
annuity
for Fix the agreement mistake
annuities
the
Correct article usage
apply
retirees
. However
the annuity just can cover a part of Add a comma
However,
expense
of their Add an article
the expense
life
. If people
want to have a better retired
Add a hyphen
better-retired
life
they should arrange
retire budget for their Add the particle
arrange to
life
.
In conclusion, the pensioners rely
on Wrong verb form
relying
government
or Correct article usage
the government
take
responsibility for themselves both make sense. In my Wrong verb form
taking
opinion
, utilize
both Wrong verb form
utilising
government
and plan
individual Verb problem
apply
pension
would be better for individuals Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
arrange
their retired Fix the infinitive
to arrange
life
.Submitted by duzirong on
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task achievement
Strengthen your argument by using more precise and specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific countries that have successful government pensions or individual retirement saving schemes.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence construction and grammar to enhance clarity. Some sentences are quite long and might benefit from being split into shorter ones.
coherence cohesion
Revise the introduction and conclusion for smoothness and clarity. Ensure that your thesis statement and concluding remarks are impactful and concise.
task achievement
The essay covers both perspectives of the debate comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion effectively encapsulates your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-organized and logically structured.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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