IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In contemporary society, there are many
activities
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 which improve children's ability that can do it whether indoors like reading a book or outdoors like playing football.
Therefore
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, some people think that development is more advantageous for their kids when children do some
activities
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 outside
instead
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 of doing in inside the house.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides of the controversial issue, and my opinion will be provided. On the one hand, advocates of
this
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 perspective believe that outside amusements
such
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 as soccer, basketball, and American football can improve their capacities.
It is clear that
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 these
activities
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 can assist health, communication, and strategy.
For example
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, when some do sports like swimming or football, they have to practice their breathing in order to run or swim more than others and
also
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 it can help their health;
for
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this
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 reason, many parents let their offspring join sports clubs since their young.
Although
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this
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 idea brings about many benefits, individuals participating
also
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 get injured.
On the other hand
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, those who think that playing computer games
also
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 brings about advantages for their children. It is obvious that playing games can directly develop to brain
such
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 as how to deal with an unexpected situation or communicate with teammates.
For instance
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, when students role-play like an investigator, they have to use their brains to solve the puzzle. In conclusion, some individuals believe that outdoor
activities
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 are more advantageous than playing online games for kid's development. In my view, I strongly believe that both inside and outside
activities
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 can improve ability which are different.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates some structure, but the logical flow could be improved. Ideas often appear disconnected, and there is a lack of clear paragraphing. Each paragraph should contain one main idea with supporting sentences that relate directly back to it.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are presented, but they lack clarity and specificity. Ensure that your thesis statement in the introduction outlines the main points briefly. The conclusion should summarize your position succinctly, without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
While some main ideas are supported, the development is insufficient. To strengthen the argument, provide more specific examples and explanations. Each main idea should be expanded comprehensively within its own paragraph.
task achievement
You've responded to the task by discussing both sides, but the response is not entirely complete. To increase your score, your essay should consistently and directly answer the prompt throughout. Clearly state whether you agree or disagree, and consistently support this position.
task achievement
Ideas are somewhat clear but they lack depth. To enhance your essay, ensure that the ideas presented are fully explored, comprehensive, and clearly communicated. Use specific details to illustrate your points convincingly.
task achievement
You provided a few relevant examples, which is good. To improve, consider using a wider range of examples and ensure they are specific and directly support your argument. Examples should be detailed and demonstrate how they relate to your main points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical development
  • Overall health
  • Coordination
  • Foster
  • Social skills
  • Teamwork
  • Mental well-being
  • Creativity
  • Exploration
  • Strategic thinking
  • Problem-solving
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Sedentary lifestyles
  • Social isolation
  • Moderation
  • Balanced approach
  • Detract
  • Obesity
  • Poor posture
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