Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree?
Nowadays, whether
sports
involving violence should be forbidden is a debate
issue. I contend that though these Change the verb form
debated
sports
perform demerits, it is necessary for them to exist.
Granted, in terms of intensive sports
like boxing and martial arts, there are some potentially
drawbacks. First of all, violent Change the adverb
potential
sports
on TVs
would mislead Fix the agreement mistake
TV
the
youngsters who are fragile and impressionable to be Correct article usage
apply
infulenced
easily, and Correct your spelling
influenced
subsequently
learn the aggressive features and then
exert to practical
world. These actions might contribute to more crimes and harm their own mental health Add an article
the practical
since
the loss of correct education and complete laws. Change preposition
due to
On the other hand
, for the
Correct article usage
apply
atheletes
, excessive Correct your spelling
athletes
workout
and being Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
injuired
during Correct your spelling
injured
the
competitions bring irreversible harm to their physical health, which Correct article usage
apply
include
shortening Correct subject-verb agreement
includes
the
lifetime and even being disabled.
Change the word
their
However
, the existence of violence in sports
is attributed to followed factors. The first factor is concerning
the nature Wrong verb form
concerns
meanings
. Change preposition
of meanings
For example
, the natural and original aim of martial arts is to be self-discipline
and Replace the word
self-disciplined
strongthen
figures. Another factor is that these types of Correct your spelling
strengthen
strong then
sports
are a way for atheletes
to attain Correct your spelling
athletes
employments
and earn money since they can get ample awards if they win the games. Fix the agreement mistake
employment
Furthermore
, a series of aggressive competitions can enrich the variety of sports
species, and consequent develop the watching rates, which help both the sports
industry and the TV stations earn much more money. Also
, the consistency of competitions and promotion of violent sports
help these sports
be inherited, and as intermediaries of international communication. For instance
, in China, the press always utilize
martial arts to represent China since they have Change the verb form
utilizes
long
history and are well-known around the world.
In conclusion, Add an article
a long
while
there are several disadvantages of sports
with violence, they also
hold the necessarity
of existing. On balance, I argue that these Correct your spelling
necessity
necessary
sports
can open
to show and at the same time, Add a missing verb
be open
the
comprehensive regulations and educational leading should be conducted to mitigate negative effects.Correct article usage
apply
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task achievement
To enhance your task achievement, ensure that you provide more specific examples to support your points. For example, mention particular incidents or statistics related to the impact of violent sports on athletes or society.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on making your ideas flow more logically from one to the next. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next point by using cohesive devices like transition words and phrases more effectively.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate on your main points a bit more. For instance, when discussing the potential harms of violent sports, provide more detailed explanations or evidence about how they might lead to increased crime rates or physical injuries.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen your conclusion by succinctly summarizing your main points and reaffirming your stance. This will help leave a lasting impression on the reader.
task achievement
You provided a balanced view on the topic, acknowledging both the disadvantages and the benefits of violent sports.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
You used appropriate vocabulary related to the topic, such as 'martial arts,' 'self-discipline,' and 'irreversible harm,' which enhances the clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt directly and offers a thoughtful analysis of the topic, showing a deep understanding of the issue.