IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some feel that governments should prioritize healthcare instead of other important areas. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some might argue that the governments should mainly support the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 sector over the other essential ones.
While
Linking Words
 I agree that the governments should put
the
Correct article usage
apply
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healthcare
Use synonyms
 development as a priority, I believe that they are required to take care of other sectors in parallel
due to
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 their influence on the health
system
Use synonyms
. The governments have to enhance the quality of the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 sector as
this
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 would be reflected
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the welfare of the members of their society. They should ensure that there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 enough training
professional
Change preposition
for professional
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
 providers to support the growing
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
population.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they should build new medical facilities with advanced equipment across the country.
As a result
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, the burden on the existing hospitals will decrease, alleviating the long waiting, especially for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
patients with critical cases, giving them the appropriate service they need on time.
Furthermore
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, using their authority, they should improve the public medical
insurances
Fix the agreement mistake
insurance
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 and issue
legislations
Fix the agreement mistake
legislation
show examples
 to avoid treating the patients unfairly by private hospitals. Another aspect
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 matter, that should be
priotrized
Correct your spelling
prioritised
 as well, is fixing the causes of different
diseases
Use synonyms
 as it has a great impact on the health
system
Use synonyms
. One example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
that is
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 the environmental issues, because the more the pollution, the more the
diseases
Use synonyms
prone
Add a missing verb
are prone
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 to the community.
For instance
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, air pollution which
caused
Add a missing verb
is caused
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 by cars and factories' carbon emissions, is responsible for increasing lung
diseases
Use synonyms
. Water pollution
due to
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 improper
sewedge
Correct your spelling
sewage
 treatment will lead to a variety of other critical
diseases
Use synonyms
. All of the aforementioned environmental problems should be addressed by the
governemnts
Correct your spelling
governments
government
 and actions should be taken to alleviate these concerns.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the rate of illnesses will decrease which in turn will remove a burden from the
healthcare
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I believe that the
governmnets
Correct your spelling
governments
government
 have an important role in the health
system
Use synonyms
 development. They do that directly through enhancing the service quality of the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 facilities and indirectly by tackling environmental issues that cause different
diseases
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task by discussing both the importance of prioritizing healthcare and the need to address other sectors. However, elaborate slightly more on the interconnection between other sectors and healthcare for a more balanced view.
task achievement
Ensure consistency in terminologies (e.g., 'government' instead of 'governments') and avoid minor grammar errors such as 'priority' instead of 'priotrized'.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of the essay can be improved by refining the transitions between points. For example, you can use more varied and precise linking words to bridge ideas more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Although you have a clear introduction and conclusion, slightly expanding them could enhance clarity and provide a stronger framework for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The support for main points is well-developed, but providing additional specific examples or statistics could strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion clearly frame the essay, offering a concise roadmap and summary of your main points.
task achievement
Your main points are clear and well-supported with relevant arguments, reflecting a solid understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Good job addressing both direct and indirect strategies for improving the healthcare system, showing depth in your approach.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal healthcare
  • preventive medicine
  • public health infrastructure
  • social determinants of health
  • fiscal allocation
  • government expenditure
  • gross domestic product (GDP)
  • life expectancy
  • pandemic preparedness
  • health equity
  • social safety net
  • holistic approach
  • non-communicable diseases
  • cross-sector collaboration
  • socioeconomic status
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