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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays parent put too much pressure on their children to succeed. What is the reason for doing this? Is this a positive or negative development?

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In
this
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 modern world, it is broadly believed that
children
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 should learn different
skills
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 to be successful. I as a parent deem it is a good practice. To commence with, raising skilful and strong
children
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 is one of the main responsibilities of wise parents.
In other words
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, parents should provide a suitable platform to discover and develop their
children
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’s talents.
Therefore
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, they should encourage their offspring to learn new abilities to find their own interests and talents. To illustrate more Maryam Mirzakhani,
as
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a
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 very talented mathematician had learned to play musical instruments before her talent was discovered. To continue with, since parents are more experienced and have a holistic view of their
children
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's requirements, they could plan better for their
children
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’s leisure time. Since
children
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 just waste their time on social sites or online games why they should not be involved with real social activities in clubs or gyms
.
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?
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 So they not only can learn new
skills
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such
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 as a new sport or an additional art, but
also
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 they can develop their soft
skills
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such
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 as communication, negotiation and friendship.
For example
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, participating in soccer class may not lead to being a football champion, but definitely, it develops team spirit in
children
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.
In addition
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, their self-confidence could be improved
then
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 they can overcome their stress. In a nutshell, in
this
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 competitive world, adolescents should be empowered with various
skills
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 and abilities,
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then
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and then
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 they can discover their talents and climb up the ladder of success in the future.
Consequently
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, they could make a better world for themselves and the next generation.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic well and provides a clear point of view. However, the reasons for parents putting pressure on their children are not very clearly stated. Make sure to clearly outline the underlying reasons for this pressure, such as societal expectations, competition, and future job prospects.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly supports the main thesis. More linkage phrases between sentences and between paragraphs can further improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay should consistently address the idea of whether this pressure is a positive or negative development. The conclusion should briefly revisit the main points discussed and explicitly state whether you see this as positive or negative.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which frame your essay nicely. Your main points are logical and well-supported.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant and specific examples, such as the mention of Maryam Mirzakhani, which adds depth to your arguments.
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