In the modern world, many children spend a lot of time in front of computers, televisions, and smartphones. This is very harmful to them. To what extent do you agree?
childern
for sure spend a lot of Correct your spelling
Children
time
using varius
kinds of digital devices like phones and televisions which could possibly lead to damage Correct your spelling
various
the
Change preposition
to the
kids
brain.
if a kid uses a Change noun form
kid's
kids'
device
without his parents
control he will surely have a high screen Change noun form
parent's
parents'
time
and that is
going to make him have a poor academic performance beacuse
the Correct your spelling
because
time
spend
on screens is the Wrong verb form
spent
time
taken away from studying,reading,and doing homework and above all
that it will make him face many kinds of unwanted diseases like depression and eye problems and he could get addictive to these devices, there is a study that says that many kids
who has
attention disorders,bad mental health,and weak social skills are the same Change the verb form
have
kids
who used to have a high screen time
.
in my opinion
taking away the Add a comma
opinion,
device
from a child is not a soulotion
but Correct your spelling
solution
insted
we should reduce the Correct your spelling
instead
time
spent on these devices by putting a timer or telling him to hand his device
after 10pm, giving a child an ipad
or a phone with the right Correct your spelling
iPad
guideance
is not harmful at all, Correct your spelling
guidance
on the
contrary
it is beneficial, Add the comma(s)
contrary,
for
example
he can study on it or watch a good video or learn a language that will help him on his life.
in conclusion, a digital Add the comma(s)
example,
device
is a double-edged sword, so parents should guide there
Correct your spelling
their
kids
to the correct way of using it, if the kid uses a
high screen Correct article usage
apply
time
that
could lead to him Correct pronoun usage
it
suffer
Wrong verb form
suffering
an unwanted diseases
or bad academic performance.Correct the article-noun agreement
unwanted diseases
an unwanted disease
Submitted by mubark.s.fawaz on
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coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and grammar. There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that make the essay hard to read. For example, "There is a study that says that many kids who has attention disorders..." should be "There is a study that says that many kids who have attention disorders..."
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, citing a specific study or giving real-life examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Paragraphing can be improved. The essay could benefit from having more distinct paragraphs for each main point to make it clearer and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in giving the essay a complete feel.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the topic and provide a balanced view, considering both the negative and positive aspects of children's screen time.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.