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Band 6.5

Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #time #education #years
Nowadays, school is taking more and more
time
 in children's lives. Some believe that teenagers are obliged to attend school full-
time
 until they are 18,
while
 others argue that school is not the only means of acquiring
education
 and that young
people
 have the right to explore the world. I believe that
while
education
 is a fundamental part of growing up, it is not the only way to learn and achieve success.
Firstly
, young
people
 shouldn't solely live to study or work. They are at an age where there must be a balance between educational development and character growth.
Students
 who are forced to spend countless hours studying will have a hard
time
 communicating with their peers,
consequently
 isolating them from the world around them.
This
 isolation might lead to social issues in the future, in their jobs, or with their families.
On the other hand
,
students
 who
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a balanced lifestyle, where they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 able to have fun and go out with friends, will have more experiences that will help them later in life.
Secondly
, full-
time
education
 might not be as effective as imagined.
This
 is because younger
people
 have a limited attention span, meaning they will have a hard
time
 digesting all the information for a long period.
This
 will not only hinder educational progress but
also
 cause negative emotions towards the learning process in general. Most of the
time
, these emotions are reflected in
students
' unwanted
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 in schools. To achieve successful teaching environments,
students
 shouldn't be forced to have full-
time
education
.
Instead
, schools should follow a balanced approach to foster positive relationships between young
people
 and
education
. In the end, the notion that
students
 should be obliged to have full-
time
education
 has many drawbacks that hinder the learning process. It leads to a lack of communication skills and fosters negative emotions towards
education
.
Education
 should be modernized to reflect the diverse ways in which young
people
 learn and grow, allowing them to develop both academically and personally.
Therefore
,
while
education
 is crucial, it should not be the sole focus of a young person's life.
Submitted by wd2288402 on

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task achievement
Consider supporting your points with more specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make them more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and develops it fully without introducing unrelated points.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, articulating a nuanced perspective that values both education and personal growth.
coherence cohesion
Overall, the essay maintains a logical structure, with each paragraph building on the previous one to develop the argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has both an effective introduction and a strong conclusion, which help create a cohesive argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental cornerstone
  • literacy and numeracy
  • social inequalities
  • foundation of knowledge
  • social mobility
  • informed and engaged citizenry
  • democratic processes
  • youth crime rates
  • productive activities
  • vocational training
  • workforce
  • stifling individual talent
  • economic contribution
  • stress and mental health issues
  • unsuitable educational system
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • diverse talents
  • career paths
  • formal academic education
  • financial strains
  • low-income countries
  • improving quality of education
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