IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Obesity is a growing problem in developed nations. What are the reasons for the increase in numbers of very overweight people? What can be done to deal with the problem?

#obesity #nations #numbers #people
Nowadays, first-world countries are facing problems of obesity
on
Change preposition
among
show examples
 their respective citizens.
This
 essay discusses the reasons for the increase in
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 of overweight
people
 and methods to solve the problem. The major cause of obesity is due unhealthy lifestyle.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 most number of masses
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
developed countries have easy
accesses
Fix the agreement mistake
access
show examples
 to
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of
food
,
due
Correct word choice
and due
show examples
 to
this
 easy access
people
 tend
patronize
Fix the infinitive
to patronize
show examples
fast-
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
food
, street
food
 and processed
can-goods
Correct your spelling
goods
show examples
. Not knowing the long-term consequences of irresponsible
food
 selection,
people
continues
Change the verb form
continue
show examples
 to buy palatable yet unhealthy
food
.
In addition
,
people
 tend to be obese because there is no time for exercise. Take an example of
this
 situation, the average working hours of an employee is eight hours a day plus commute and sleep time. The hectic
work life
Add a hyphen
work-life
show examples
 balance hinders the person to allocate time on exercise. One possible solution to promote normal body mass index (BMI) is to have discipline
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 choosing appropriate
food
. The consumer may
chose
Change the verb form
choose
show examples
 vegetables and fruits if the government
will give
Wrong verb form
gives
show examples
 incentives
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 these selections
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 grocery stores.
On the other hand
, the government may add more taxes on alcoholic drinks, sweetened beverages,
ciggarettes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
 and other processed products on the market. The result
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
program
Add an article
the program
show examples
 may push
people
 to buy affordable and healthy foods rather than expensive processed foods. Another possible solution is to encourage employees to participate in physical activities conducted by institutions
such
 as sports festivals and basketball tournaments.
Overall
, rich nations
faces
Change the verb form
face
show examples
 obesity problems because of lifestyle choices and
carreer-oriented
Correct your spelling
career-oriented
people
. There are possible solutions to
implemet
Correct your spelling
implement
 to counteract these problems
such
 as incentivizing raw
food
 materials like vegetables and fruits, but taxing processed products.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 companies may help promote exercise through organizing team buildings in a way of sports activities.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammatical accuracy
Work on improving grammatical accuracy, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. For instance, 'the population of overweight people' should be 'the population of overweight people' and 'most number of masses' is awkwardly phrased.
task response
Ensure that your points are fully developed. For example, the section on exercise could benefit from additional detail, such as specific ways companies can encourage exercise beyond organized sports.
structure
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well.
coherence
Logical progression of ideas with clear paragraphs dedicated to different points.
task response
Use of specific examples and actionable solutions, making the essay practical and informative.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: