IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones . Why is this the case ? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Mobile
phones
 have become a part and parcel of our lives .Nowadays, offspring spend most of their
time
 on mobile
phones
 . There are several reasons for
this
 increase, but one foremost cause is the advancement in technology. From my perspective,
this
 is a negative development. In
this
 essay , I will elaborate on my opinion with reasons
as well as
 examples .
To begin
 with , one of the most significant drawbacks is the loss of education. What I mean to say is that if children spend most of their
time
 on mobile
phones
 watching movies and cartoons ,
then
 they do not have enough
time
 to concentrate on their studies properly
as a result
 they face failure in their academic lives .
For instance
, Norway's government , in 2022, reported that a large number of candidates fail in their country in their professional lives
due to
 their improper concentration on studies . Another contributing factor is that the excessive use of smartphones causes health problems. If offspring spend most of their
time
 playing games it will weaken their eyesight.They
also
 get tired which causes them various mental disorders. Turning to the other side of the spectrum, some people argue that mobile
phones
 are beneficial for children because they learn several useful activities from them like coding , editing and so on .
For example
, now all over the world , people are earning money from trading by using smartphones.
To conclude
 , the demerits of excessive utilization of mobile
phones
 outweigh its benefits
such
 as loss of education and health issues. I personally recommend that parents should prevent their children from using digital devices too
muc
Correct your spelling
much
Submitted by mianraza686 on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear stand and addresses both parts of the task prompt. However, it would benefit from further development of ideas and examples, especially in terms of explaining why this is a negative development.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, some transitions between ideas can be smoother to ensure better flow. For instance, transitioning between the idea of education loss and health issues could be more cohesive.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer's perspective.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes relevant examples to support the main points, such as the reference to Norway's government report.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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