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Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case ? Do you think that this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Mobile
phones
 have become a part and parcel of our lives .Modern days,
children
 spend most of their
time
 on mobile
phones
 . There are several reasons for
this
 increase, but one foremost cause is the advancement in technology. I firmly believe that
this
 is a negative development. In
this
 essay , I will elaborate on my opinion with reasons
as well as
 examples .
To begin
 with , one of the most significant drawbacks is the loss of education. What I mean to say is that if
children
 spend most of their
time
 on mobile
phones
 watching movies and cartoons ,
then
 they do not have enough
time
 to concentrate on their studies properly
as a result
 they face failure in their academic lives .
For instance
, Norway's government , in 2022, reported that about 67% of candidates failed in their country in their professional lives
due to
 their improper concentration on studies . Another contributing factor is that the excessive use of smartphones causes health problems. If
children
 spend most of their
time
 playing games it will weaken their eyesight.They
also
 get tired which causes them various mental disorders
such
 as physical illness. Turning to the other side of the spectrum, some people argue that mobile
phones
 are beneficial for
children
 because they learn several useful activities from them like coding , editing and so on .
For example
, now all over the world , people are earning money from trading by using smartphones.
To conclude
 , the demerits of excessive utilization of mobile
phones
 outweigh its benefits
such
 as loss of education and health issues. I personally recommend that parents should prevent their
children
 from using digital devices too much.
Submitted by mianraza686 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay. Try to ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next, and that there's a clear progression of ideas.
task achievement
Enhance the strength of your arguments by providing more relevant and specific examples. This will help in clearly illustrating your points.
task achievement
Provide more comprehensive and clear ideas to back up your stance. Expound on your points further to give a well-rounded discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, clearly stating your stance and summarizing your points effectively.
task achievement
You have touched upon important issues such as the impact on education and health, making the essay relevant and focused on the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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