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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries, young adults are engaged in some kinds of work. Some people regard this as completely wrong. Others consider it as a valuable experience, important for learning and taking responsibilities. Discuss both views

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Throughout the past few decades, we have been witnessing a fact that there is a remarkable tendency among young
adults
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 to engage in a paid or non-paid job.
While
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 some people argue that
this
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 trend puts unnecessary pressure on the young, others believe that it creates a great opportunity to discover practical challenges they will face in their lives at some point. On the one hand, some individuals make a big claim that young
adults
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 involved in duties
besides
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 their primary educational activities are prone to catching depression-related illnesses like anxiety.
This
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 kind of mental situation can lead to even severe breakdown in their life.
Therefore
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, they argue that it is the responsibility of the government to fund young
adults
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 for their education if they engage in paid jobs
as a consequence
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 of the lack of self provisions for studies.
For instance
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, some high schools and universities offer jobs with reasonable wages that can be used to cover the student's fees.
On the other hand
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, many people in modern society including parents strongly trust the benefits that could be taken from work that adult students engage in. They are mainly talking about the experiences that young can gather from their duties.
According to
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 them having these experiences can be considered as an investment that can be utilized throughout their lives. I
also
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 believe the same as there are plenty of examples to justify it. Many successful individuals
such
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 as Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates took pride in the collected facts and figures from their early works. In conclusion, even though we can identify that there are many arguments to justify both the pros and cons of the topic, the more practical way that I can accept is nothing, young
adults
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 must gather their capital of experiences that in return could be invested in the future, via the works they engage in their early years

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task achievement
Strengthen the clarity and structure of your arguments. Some points, while valid, can be expressed more concisely and clearly to make a stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking ideas more smoothly to enhance the overall flow of your essay. Utilize transition words and phrases effectively.
task achievement
Try to use more specific and diverse examples to support your arguments. This can make your points more persuasive and relatable.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion of both sides of the argument, which shows good task response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which enhances the structure and readability.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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