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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think parents should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is no denying the fact that many communities believe mothers and fathers should pay attention to their
children
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’s
activities
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 carefully, but others think freedom is very important for
children
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. I think
children
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's parents should supervise their
activities
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.
This
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 essay will analyze
this
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 topic from both points of view. On the one hand, keeping an eye on
children
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 when they are playing or doing an activity has a lot of advantages and benefits.
children
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 like to explore everything, so watching them carefully will protect them from bad things which might happen.
For example
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, a child might try to use dangerous tools like knives and scissors, and
as a result
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, he will hurt or injure himself or other kids.
On the other hand
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, providing freedom to
children
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 will make them independent in doing things, and they will try to explore everything.
This
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 will allow them to have more knowledge and they will make their own experiences.
In addition
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 to that, exploring will let them be more confident about themselves.
For instance
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, a child who has a big area to explore things, and has tools to make science experiments, will try to do them alone.
As a result
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, he will learn new information, and he will be proud of himself.
To sum up
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, supervising
children
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's
activities
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 carefully with their parents will help them to suffer from bad situations.
However
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, providing the freedom for
children
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 to explore will help them to be independent. In my opinion, parents should pay attention to
children
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’s
activities
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 to avoid using dangerous appliances.

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coherence and cohesion
Include a clearer introduction that summarizes both views more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Expand your conclusion to reinforce your opinion and summarize the key points discussed.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments, especially for the benefits of freedom for children.
coherence and cohesion
Improve sentence structure and punctuation for better clarity and flow.
task achievement
You have clearly presented both sides of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical flow of ideas.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • supervise
  • activities
  • freedom
  • safety
  • well-being
  • risk
  • behavior
  • relationships
  • guide
  • habits
  • choices
  • experiences
  • independent
  • problem-solving
  • skills
  • confidence
  • decisions
  • consequences
What to do next:
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