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Band 4.5

Some people think that the government should take care of disadvantaged people such as the unemployed and homeless people. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #care
I strongly agree that the government has a crucial role in supporting the population. The reasons for
this
 include the authority's capacity to provide social security and well-being of citizens,
This
 responsibility includes providing essential services and support systems that help these individuals meet their basic needs and improve their life system for the betterment of their future. Globalization brings about more and more communities losing their homes and jobs
due to
 the high competition of workplaces
as well as
 machinery and AI technology has brought major role in human life.
Thier
Correct your spelling
Therefore
for
Change preposition
apply
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most
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
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 lose their jobs
due to
 capitalization. I assume governments can prevent
this
 situation by taking necessary action.One of the primary ways the ministry can support disadvantaged individuals is by establishing and maintaining a social freedom net.These programs should include health and security, welfare, and free education.
On the other hand
 provides unemployment benefits to those who lose their jobs, helping them sustain themselves financially.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 there is
amount
Correct article usage
an amount
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 of communities suffering from health care issues ,
law
Add an article
the law
show examples
 should ensure fundamentals to disadvantaged families to avoid
this
 situation
for example
. United Kingdom, provides free or low-cost medical services to all citizens, including the unemployed and homeless. governments can prevent health issues from becoming barriers to employment and housing stability To summarize governments can create a prosperous society By providing social freedom nets, addressing homelessness, investing in job training and education, ensuring healthcare access, reducing social inequality, and sharing equal life opportunities among every citizen.
Submitted by agdanush on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear standpoint, and the introduction sets a good premise for the discussion. However, your arguments could benefit from more concrete and relevant examples. You only mentioned the UK in passing, without sufficient detail.
coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity by checking for any grammatical errors and better structuring sentences. For instance, restructure sentences like 'Thier for most nation lose their jobs due to capitalization.' to 'Therefore, many lose their jobs due to economic nuances such as capitalism.'
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a comprehensive introduction and conclusion which encapsulate your points well.
logical structure
You have a logical flow between paragraphs and clear linking words.
supported main points
Some points are supported with examples, showing your effort to provide evidence for your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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