IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

#countries #people #health #food #governments #tax
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Several nations high number of
citizens
Use synonyms
 having fast
food
Use synonyms
 in their diet,
therefore
Linking Words
 they
also
Linking Words
 deal with many
health
Use synonyms
 issues as well. I completely agree, if authorities increase
taxes
Use synonyms
 on the kind of
food
Use synonyms
 it saves their
people
Use synonyms
 from
health
Use synonyms
 problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and leads the
people
Use synonyms
 towards healthy
food
Use synonyms
 items.
Initially
Linking Words
,
taxes
Use synonyms
 increase on junk
food
Use synonyms
 products would save many individuals from basic
health
Use synonyms
-related problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, diabetes and heart attacks.
Such
Linking Words
 problems, increase the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
burden on
Use synonyms
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 care sector and
also
Linking Words
 put the countries a
a
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
few years back, as
people
Use synonyms
 are suffering from
health
Use synonyms
 issues and
therefore
Linking Words
 do not do well for themselves and their country. In one of
surveys
Add an article
the surveys
show examples
, it is reported that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 western countries deal with a high number of obese
patients’
Change noun form
patients
show examples
 reason is presence of junk
food
Use synonyms
 and soda drinks in their routine diet
therefore
Linking Words
,
demand
Correct article usage
the demand
show examples
immigrants
Change preposition
for immigrants
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
has arisen for
Correct article usage
the continue
show examples
continue
Wrong verb form
continued
show examples
 growth of
such
Linking Words
 countries.    
Secondly
Linking Words
, decreasing the trend of fast
food
Use synonyms
 through
taxes
Use synonyms
 not only helps to improve
health
Use synonyms
 issues but
also
Linking Words
 inclines
people
Use synonyms
 toward good
food
Use synonyms
 habits. Especially in developing nations,
citizens
Use synonyms
 love to bargain prices on
food
Use synonyms
 items if they get healthy
food
Use synonyms
 at a cheaper price compared to high-cost junk
food
Use synonyms
 they will prefer to buy only those
food
Use synonyms
 products which are available at a lower price.
This
Linking Words
 is how the government turns them to buy
food
Use synonyms
 which is good for their
health
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, In Japan, the average age of
citizens
Use synonyms
 is comparatively higher than in other nations the factor is they are like to eat their traditional
food
Use synonyms
 which cost effective and
also
Linking Words
, they feel very healthy.    conclusion, I believe
increment
Correct article usage
an increment
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
taxes
Fix the agreement mistake
tax
show examples
 provision on rubbish
food
Use synonyms
 items by the government not only helps to keep their
citizens
Use synonyms
 fit but
also
Linking Words
 changes their habits towards having healthy and safe
food
Use synonyms
 throughout their life.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Ensure to proofread your essay for small grammar and punctuation errors. For example, in the phrase 'high number of citizens having fast food in their diet,' it is more accurate to say 'a high number of citizens who have fast food in their diet.'
coherence
Work on the logical progression of your essay. Sometimes, the points seem slightly disjointed. Make sure each paragraph clearly connects to the next.
development
Try to develop your points more comprehensively. For instance, the second paragraph can include more detailed explanations of how increased taxes would lead to better food habits.
introduction
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which frame your essay well.
examples
You used relevant examples to support your points, like the reference to Japan's eating habits.
argument
Your argument for imposing higher taxes on fast food is well-presented and understandable.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • health outcomes
  • healthcare costs
  • consumer behavior
  • socio-economic backgrounds
  • ethical implications
  • public health campaigns
  • subsidies
  • regulations
  • nutritional content
  • healthier food options
  • government intervention
What to do next:
Look at other essays: