IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that it is best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some individuals claim that it is good to advise young
children
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 to have a healthy diet at school
while
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 others believe that parents are responsible for educating their
children
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 to have healthy
food
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both aspects and articulate the given problem
along with
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 my opinion and logical conclusion.
To begin
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 with, staying fit and healthy at a young age will encourage young
children
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 to live longer. First of all, nowadays everyone enjoys eating junk
food
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 because it is made in two minutes,
also
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 the cost of fast
food
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 is cheaper than healthy
food
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such
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 as KFC
Add the comma(s)
, therefore,
show examples
therefore
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 families' responsibility toward their
children
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 is to prevent them from buying
a bad quality meals
Correct the article-noun agreement
bad quality meals
a bad quality meal
show examples
 and set a plan at a young age,
children
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 should get used to eating a healthy meal at a young age so in the future when they try fast meal they won't love it.
Moreover
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, parents should prepare their meals before going to school and get their lunch boxes ready for the day.
Nevertheless
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, the consequences of eating fast meals may lead to illnesses
such
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 as blood sugar and blood pressure.
On the other hand
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, the school is responsible for taking care of young
children
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 by providing extracurricular activities
such
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 as football ,basketball running sessions and what to eat.
For instance
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, in the united arab Emirates schools are challenging each other in activities and will win a massive amount of money
therefore
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 the
children
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 will be encouraged. In a nutshell, despite people having different views, I believe that schools are responsible for keeping young
children
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 healthy and fit since parents are busy working all day.

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task response
Your introduction adequately presents the topic and your thesis statement is clear. However, providing a clearer outline of the points you'll discuss could enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the last and that each point directly supports your thesis. For example, the connection between providing extracurricular activities and teaching healthy eating habits could be made clearer.
task response
Your arguments would benefit from additional supporting details and examples. For instance, providing statistics about the impact of parental versus school intervention on children's health could strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the flow within paragraphs by using linking words and phrases. This will help enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion and the main points discussed in the essay.
task response
You present relevant points for both perspectives, showing a balanced discussion.
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