IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that it is best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #diet #school #parents #ones
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Some individuals claim that it is good to advise young
children
 to have a healthy diet at school
while
 others believe that parents are responsible for educating their
children
 to have healthy
food
.
This
 essay will discuss both aspects and articulate the given problem
along with
 my opinion and logical conclusion.
To begin
 with, staying fit and healthy at a young age will encourage young
children
 to live longer. First of all, nowadays everyone enjoys eating junk
food
 because it is made in two minutes,
also
 the cost of fast
food
 is cheaper than healthy
food
such
 as KFC
Add the comma(s)
, therefore,
show examples
therefore
 families' responsibility toward their
children
 is to prevent them from buying
a bad quality meals
Correct the article-noun agreement
bad quality meals
a bad quality meal
show examples
 and set a plan at a young age,
children
 should get used to eating a healthy meal at a young age so in the future when they try fast meal they won't love it.
Moreover
, parents should prepare their meals before going to school and get their lunch boxes ready for the day.
Nevertheless
, the consequences of eating fast meals may lead to illnesses
such
 as blood sugar and blood pressure.
On the other hand
, the school is responsible for taking care of young
children
 by providing extracurricular activities
such
 as football ,basketball running sessions and what to eat.
For instance
, in the united arab Emirates schools are challenging each other in activities and will win a massive amount of money
therefore
 the
children
 will be encouraged. In a nutshell, despite people having different views, I believe that schools are responsible for keeping young
children
 healthy and fit since parents are busy working all day.
Submitted by saeeddjcj80 on

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task response
Your introduction adequately presents the topic and your thesis statement is clear. However, providing a clearer outline of the points you'll discuss could enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the last and that each point directly supports your thesis. For example, the connection between providing extracurricular activities and teaching healthy eating habits could be made clearer.
task response
Your arguments would benefit from additional supporting details and examples. For instance, providing statistics about the impact of parental versus school intervention on children's health could strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the flow within paragraphs by using linking words and phrases. This will help enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion and the main points discussed in the essay.
task response
You present relevant points for both perspectives, showing a balanced discussion.
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