IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Unhealthy eating has a negative effect on both individuals and the society in which they live. Some people think that the government should tax unhealthy foods while others believe that a ‘fat tax’ is unfair and unnecessary. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Consuming junk
food
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 has setback impacts on some communities' health.
As a result
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, many
people
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 argue that the
government
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, as a responsible party, should stipulate taxes for unhealthy
food
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,
whereas
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 others prefer to say it is not important and unfair. Based on the writer's knowledge, if the former perspective is applied, it would reduce the desire and power buying of a consumer
while
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 the latter would certainly affect the economic
circulation
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 of a
country
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 and its
people
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. Giving
tax
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 for junk foods would be appropriate for reducing the power buying level of the consumers.
Furthermore
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, the desire to consume the
food
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 will drop progressively because of the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
increased price.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, the
government
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 regulate a different
tax
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 policy for the famous McDonald's.
As a result
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, since the price of junk
food
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 has spiked
due to
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 the applied
tax
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,
people
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 substitute to eat affordable
food
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 which most likely is healthier rather than
eat
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fast
food
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.
On the other hand
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, if the responsible
government
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 stipulated the
tax
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 regulation for unhealthy foods, it would affect the economic
circulation
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 of a
country
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.
For example
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, small and medium enterprises that sell deep-fried
food
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 could lose all their profits since most customers do not have enough money to buy the products.
Therefore
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,
this
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 will impact their income.
Additionally
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, based on Minamino's research in 2018, the
government
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 of a
country
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 has to solve
this
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 problem since it will affect the
country
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's economic
circulation
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.
Moreover
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, another economic problem
such
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 as poverty could gradually elevate which could imbalance and have a negative effect on a nation's economic and financial report. In conclusion,
people
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 are free to choose whether to live in healthy or unhealthy lifestyle regardless of its drawbacks. Applying a
tax
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 for unhealthy foods would be recommended to decrease the desire and power buying level of society.
However
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, it is
also
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 unnecessary since it could simultaneously affect the economic
circulation
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 of businesses and a nation. Based on the writer's perspective, it is better to analyze the needs first before implementing the
tax
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. More
people
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 would live healthier if the
tax
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 is applied.
On the contrary
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,
food
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 entrepreneurs would gain less profit in the future
as well as
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 gradually escalate
government
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-level issues.

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coherence cohesion
To boost your Coherence and Cohesion, concentrate on stronger linking between paragraphs. Ensure that transitions smoothly guide the reader from one idea to another. Example words include: "Moreover," "Furthermore," and "Consequently."
task achievement
To achieve a higher Task Achievement score, provide more specific examples or statistics. For instance, include more details about the impact of taxing unhealthy food in different regions or on various sectors of the economy.
task achievement
To improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas, ensure that each paragraph has a clear and single focus. Avoid mixing multiple points into one paragraph.
conclusion present
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed in the essay and offers your nuanced perspective on the issue.
logical structure
You consistently present both sides of the argument, allowing the reader to understand the complexities of the topic.
relevant examples
Your example of McDonald's in Indonesia serves as a specific and relevant point to support your argument for taxing unhealthy foods.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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