IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Several discussions surround the opinion that gaining overweight has becomed negatively impacts for public areas, especially wealthy lands. However, while people continually conflict about this issue

Several discussions surround the opinion that
gaining
Verb problem
being
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 overweight has
becomed
Correct your spelling
become
 negatively
impacts
Wrong verb form
impacted
show examples
 for public areas, especially wealthy lands.
However
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,
while
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 people continually conflict about
this
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 issue,
this
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 essay will shed light on the matter by showing both sides of the equation have their positives, albeit a stronger argument showing both reasons and measures for
this
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 risky situation, which will be presented in the next paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, there are a number of justifications to justify why
obesity
Use synonyms
 has appeared in today’s world.
Firstly
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, nowadays with the gradual development of technologies, particularly humans have always demanded applications to serve their needs.
For instance
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,
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
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applications
such
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 as smartphones and
transports
Fix the agreement mistake
transport
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,
which had
Wrong verb form
have
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their
Change the word
the
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 benefits
to serve
Change preposition
of serving
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 mankind’s needs everywhere.
Consequently
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,
making
Verb problem
apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
they
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lazy
Add a missing verb
are lazy
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 to move to destinations compared to the past.
Besides
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, another reason was the spreading of fast foods, which I think is the main cause of
this
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 issue.
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As well as
Rephrase
Also
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 these foods
contained
Wrong verb form
contain
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 first-rate amounts of fat elements,
consequently
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, making humans suffer from
obesity
Use synonyms
due to
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long-time
Correct article usage
the long-time
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 absorption of these meals.
Additionally
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,
on the other hand
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, there are several solutions,
tackling
Change preposition
to tackling
show examples
 the consequences of
this
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 problem.
As well as
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 the mindset of citizens were quite unaware of these risky situations,
consequently
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, the country’s authorities should encourage them to have healthy lifestyles.
Moreover
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, the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 could show the drawbacks of containing
fat
Replace the word
fatty
show examples
 foods by introducing first-rate campaigns.
For instance
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, they might use social media
such
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 as Facebook and
also
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Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
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 to spread the disadvantages of
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
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, for the first-rate conditions of residents, these low-rate elements in meals should be strictly limited and
also
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 adjusted by the authorities and restaurants.
To conclude
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, our justifications and
also
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 solutions have their contents as was stated in the previous paragraphs.
However
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, In my opinion,
obesity
Use synonyms
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 a serious disease for humans to suffer from,
consequently
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, both the authorities and locals should together evade the factors that lead to
this
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 illness.

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task response
Make sure your thesis statement is clearly stated and directly addresses the essay prompt. You have provided reasons and solutions for obesity but ensure your stance is more explicit.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between your paragraphs. Adding transitional phrases can improve the smoothness of your essay. Also, make sure to subdivide paragraphs for different points or solutions.
task response
Further develop your points with more precise examples and explanations. This will strengthen the arguments and demonstrate depth of understanding.
coherence and cohesion
Focus on avoiding repetition and diversifying your vocabulary. This will make your essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
task response
The essay provides both reasons and solutions, maintaining a balanced outlook on the issue of obesity.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured the essay well with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
The essay shows a good attempt to use complex sentences and varied vocabulary.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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