IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe that there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #happiness #factors #influence
The given graph illustrates the number of
people
 who suffered from the illness which is named influenza in a certain village where situated in the United Kingdom between 1985 and 1995 .
Overall
 ,
it is clear that
 there was a fluctuation over the given
period
 and in 1991 it reached a peak but ,
at the end
 of the given
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
 it decreased minimally . At first glance , the number of
people
 who suffered from
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
influenza started at 40
people
 in the year of 1985 .
Then
 , it grew gradually year on year until 1987 with almost 55
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 .
However
 , it decreased minimally by 7
people
 from 55 to 48 .
Following
this
 , it went up in the two-year
period
 with 50
people
 . Another interesting point from the graph is that it rose rapidly to 70
people
 in 1990 . As time went by it reached a peak at approximately 74
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 .
However
 , it decreased sharply with almost 61
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 in 1992 . There was a minimal increase in 1994 with just under 65
people
 .
Following
this
 it went down slowly with 60
people
at the end
 of the given
period
 .
Submitted by chartakinnovation on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear and distinct topic and that transitions between ideas are smooth. This will help maintain a logical flow and coherence in your essay.
task achievement
Where possible, incorporate more relevant specific examples to reinforce your points. This will enhance the relevance and support of your main points.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction that sets the stage for the discussion.
complete response
Overall, the essay provides a reasonably complete response to the task and sufficiently covers the main points from the graph.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!