IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this a positive or negative development

#countries #world #people #cities #population #countryside #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, a majority of rural have moved into cities.
Although
 there are some advantages associated with
this
 immigration, I firmly believe that the development of urbanization
features
Verb problem
has
show examples
 several detrimental consequences. On the one hand, the advocates, including me, argue that
increasing
Change preposition
by increasing
show examples
 the population in towns, various economic difficulties could happen to rural
people
 and impose financial difficulties on them.
Additionally
, given the change in the number of individuals in
this
 area, governments have to bear excessive costly burdens to a certain extent regarding providing facilities in rural parts with few populations to create equality between
people
 all around the country. Given the fact that by abandoning the countryside, those population absolutely will lose their comfortable situations, serene and tranquil environment
as well as
 breathing the best quality air.
Furthermore
, because of costs in
metropolis
Add an article
the metropolis
a metropolis
show examples
, they should live in small apartments which is a challenging matter for nearly all of them.
On the other hand
, living in cities accelerates
people
's access to amenities, the latest version of technologies and devices and the high-speed internet. City lifestyle
also
 has a fascinating appearance for individuals, so their life satisfaction would be improved in distinct aspects. It is noticeable that citizens in large parishes spend most of their valuable time at the workplace or on the track towards reaching there in cars or other transportation vehicles;
therefore
, they might experience a sedentary lifestyle which causes obesity and being at risk of heart disease.
For instance
, an article carried out in Italy indicated that 60% of employees who work long hours are prone to being obese and 40% of those obese society suffer from heart disease. In conclusion, despite urbanization being intriguing for most
people
, I wholeheartedly opine that living in rural countryside is more profitable for individuals which I elaborated on all my reasons in
this
 essay.
Submitted by saharaqajani on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines the main points you will discuss in the essay. While you mentioned some advantages and disadvantages, a clearer thesis statement would enhance the readability and focus of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve the organization of your ideas by using more cohesive devices. While your essay is logically structured, adding more transitional phrases and conjunctions will help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your points. You provided a relevant example regarding obesity and heart disease, but additional concrete examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and enhancing the complexity of your sentences. While your ideas are clear, incorporating a wider range of sentence types and lengths will improve the overall flow of your essay.
task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively by discussing both positive and negative sides of the development, which shows a balanced approach.
coherence cohesion
Your essay features a clear introduction and conclusion, which appropriately frame your discussion and provide closure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
What to do next:
Look at other essays: