IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, fast
food
Use synonyms
 in some countries has become more popular than in the past because
people
Use synonyms
 can find it easy to eat, and reduce time wasted in rush hour. Consuming too much fast
food
Use synonyms
 leads to an increasing number of
people
Use synonyms
 facing unhealthy situations.
One
Use synonyms
 of the solutions is governments have to impose more taxes on fast
food
Use synonyms
. I agree that
this
Linking Words
 is
one
Use synonyms
 way to reduce the problem, but it does not cover the core of the issue. In my view, the disagreement outweighs
instead
Linking Words
. For the benefit of the agreement, adding more taxes on fast
food
Use synonyms
 will discourage
people
Use synonyms
 from buying
this
Linking Words
 kind of
food
Use synonyms
. In fact, they will find an inexpensive
one
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
for example
Linking Words
, many poor
people
Use synonyms
 in some cities like to buy cheese hamburgers because these are very cheap and they can easily afford them.
However
Linking Words
, the imposition will affect a lot of low-class
people
Use synonyms
.
Due to
Linking Words
 higher prices from taxes, they hardly find cheap
food
Use synonyms
 to eat and be starvations.
This
Linking Words
 can cause a lot of problems in the country.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the disagreement, many high-class or rich
people
Use synonyms
 still can reach fast
food
Use synonyms
 because these groups consume it for other reasons not a cheap price.
One
Use synonyms
 of them buys fast
food
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as hamburgers, french fries, soft drinks, and so on for delicious
flavor
Change the spelling
flavour
show examples
. They eat too much cause loving the taste and do not care or know about unhealthy results from fast
food
Use synonyms
. In my view, the government should educate
people
Use synonyms
 to have the knowledge about some diseases from fast
food
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they have to suggest how many proportions of provisions are suitable for excellent health. In conclusion, education and knowledge on the effects of fast
food
Use synonyms
 is the key that governments have to create awareness about suffering in health.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will solve the current point and lead
people
Use synonyms
 to consider eating less fast
food
Use synonyms
 and choose more healthy ways to prevent many illnesses.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and provides a clear position. However, your introduction could be more concise. Consider revising it to state your position more directly at the beginning.
task achievement
Some ideas in your essay could be expressed more clearly. Try to avoid repetition and ensure that each paragraph has a singular, focused point.
coherence cohesion
You have logical arguments, but the transition between ideas needs improvement. Make sure that all paragraphs are clearly connected and that progression is easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are more structured. Your conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points and reinforce the thesis stated in your introduction.
supported main points
Your main points are well-supported with relevant examples. This shows a good understanding of the topic and strengthens your argument.
task achievement
You provided a well-balanced view by discussing both agreeing and disagreeing arguments which adds depth to your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • health outcomes
  • healthcare costs
  • consumer behavior
  • socio-economic backgrounds
  • ethical implications
  • public health campaigns
  • subsidies
  • regulations
  • nutritional content
  • healthier food options
  • government intervention
What to do next:
Look at other essays: