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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
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It is sometimes argued that with the help of
music
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, we can bring
people
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 from different nations and ages together. I agree with
this
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 notion to some extent. The word "
music
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" is a general term that refers to any kind of
music
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.
While
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 there are a plethora of
songs
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 that have the potential to bring all individuals together, there are some kinds of
music
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 that not only cannot bring
people
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 together but
also
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 can separate them. On the one hand, there is a load of
music
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 that can connect
people
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 around the world together. The most important and famous one is the Olympic
songs
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.
For instance
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, I remember vividly that the
song
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 for the 2012 Olympics was so famous and many
people
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 around the world had that
song
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 on their cell phones and a lot of
people
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 sang that
song
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 on playgrounds.
Also
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, popular and famous
music
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 can bring
people
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 together too.
For instance
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, there is a heavy metal band called Metallica, and hundreds of thousands of
people
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 from America, China, Canada, Australia and other countries with different age groups went to its concerts and danced with their rhythms together.
Similarly
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, some
songs
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 are historical and symbolic, which can be used as a way for unity.
For example
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, there is an Italian
song
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 called Bella Ciao, which means beautiful hello.
This
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song
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 became so famous among
people
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 across the world and they sang
this
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song
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 together in streets, fights, protests, etc.
On the other hand
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, a few types of
music
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 can affect negatively communities for several reasons.
Firstly
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, some of them can be anti-religion
music
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. Black metal and death metal are two types of
music
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 that have many satanism symbols.
While
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 these
songs
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 are so exciting, religious
people
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 do not like these
music
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.
Secondly
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, some
music
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 has racist sentences and they separate
people
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 by their race. These
songs
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 can detrimentally affect citizens from different nationalities.
Lastly
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, many
songs
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 do not have any effect on
people
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 gathering,
such
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 as national
music
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. In conclusion, I partially agree with
this
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 claim that
music
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 can bring
people
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 from different cultures and ages together. In my opinion, many
music
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 have
this
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 potential,
while
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 some
music
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 does not.
Submitted by amir1375.6 on

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coherence cohesion
To elevate your score, consider refining the clarity of your arguments. Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and avoid any ambiguity. This can be achieved by occasionally summarizing your main points within the paragraph for increased emphasis.
task achievement
While you've provided some relevant examples, they could be more diverse and evenly distributed. Try to balance examples supporting the idea of unity and those indicating division, to help your argument stay robust and clear.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, giving a clear overview of your stance from the beginning and summing it effectively at the end.
task achievement
The use of specific examples like the Olympic song, Metallica, and Bella Ciao adds strength to your argument and demonstrates good task achievement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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