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Band 5

Mobile phones and smart devices should be restricted and that young people should not be allowed to have them. Only people of a certain age should have permission to own them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this proposal? What is your opinion?

#phones #devices #people #age #permission
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smart
devices
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 are being increasingly used more in
every day
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everyday
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 life. There are some
people
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 who argue that only
people
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 of a certain age should be able to purchase and own them. In
this
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 essay, I will try to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 opinion and give my own view on it. Smart
devices
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 can provide a
technlogical
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technological
 and educational advantage. By using them
im
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in
 school situations, they can improve
students
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´ productivity.
By increasing
Change preposition
Increasing
show examples
 the sources of
information
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students
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 can
use
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,
it
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apply
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helps them
completing
Wrong verb form
complete
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 tasks better
while
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 being more complete in their answers.
Thus
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 leading to increasing levels of
productivtiy
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productivity
 and higher grades. The fact that smart
devices
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use
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 the internet has another distinct advantage,
students
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 get the most
up to date
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up-to-date
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information
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. Schoolbooks, on the one hand practical for teachers,
sometimes
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but sometimes
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 do not
adress
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address
 themes anymore that are relevant for
students
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 in
this
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 day and age. The advantages of these
devices
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however
Add the comma(s)
, however
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, carry some potential downsides The
use
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 of technological
devices
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 can have
its
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apply
show examples
negative effects.
Students
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 can become more lazy by using them.
For example
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, in the past,
students
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 had to go to the library and search books for
information
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 on subjects they needed.
This
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 way, they
also
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 stumbled upon other
information
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 they might not
even
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have even
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 thought about before.
Thus
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this
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 way of gathering
information
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 could get lost by using technology.
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Furthermore
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Furthermore,
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 there could be overreliance on sources over the internet which may be incorrect. A lot of
students
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use
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wikipedia
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Wikipedia
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, a website which serves as an encyclopedia,
however
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,
this
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 website can be edited by anyone. If
people
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 have malice in mind, they could mislead
people
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 and so the
students
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 as well who
use
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 the website for their sources. In
conclusion
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conclusion,
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 I think
technlogical
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technological
devices
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 can have many
postive
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positive
 effects by increasing
the
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apply
show examples
productivity and offering
up to date
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up-to-date
show examples
information
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 to
students
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. These benefits do in my opinion outweigh the side effects, which include the possibility of possible false
information
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 and the increased risk that
students
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 will not go to the library as often as they did in the past.
Submitted by laurens.belgium on

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task response
You can strengthen your task response by discussing more specific examples related to the negative impacts of smart devices. Additionally, consider providing a balanced view with more points on why some people argue for restricting smart devices to older individuals.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance coherence by improving transitions between paragraphs. Using transitional phrases like 'Moreover,' 'In addition,' or 'On the other hand,' can help create smoother flow between your points.
introduction and conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in setting a structured flow.
supported main points
The main points are well-supported and logically structured, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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