IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Task 2: Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #health #services #companies #care
Some
people
 claim that good health plays a crucial role in their lives.
Therefore
, there is a debate that private hospitals should not provide medical
services
.
Although
this
 scenario can offer several merits and demerits,
this
 essay will argue that the benefits of
this
 eclipsed the drawbacks. On the one hand, private hospitals
also
 cause several shortcomings. Given that the private centre provides convenient medical
services
, the
patients
 have to pay exorbitant costs. By doing
this
,
patients
 must expend high bills, which is not suitable for poor
people
 especially those without medical insurance.
Moreover
, social inequalities for applying medical
services
 increase because some poor residents can not afford expensive costs.
For instance
,
people
 who own rich property can receive prompt and high-quality care,
however
, others only face lower
services
 in the public category.
This
 leads to discrimination in
people
's
services
 even untimely treatment in emergency situations.
On the other hand
, despite the detrimental aspects, the private
healthcare
 centre brings some positive aspects.
First,
it can reduce the workload of public medical hospitals. With the appearance of many private companies, the number of
patients
 going to the public will decrease.
This
 can result in a decrease in the experience of waiting times of inhabitants who make an appointment with doctors
as well as
 reduce the shortage of experts about health. Another advantage is that the private
healthcare
 company gives more opportunities for
patients
 to access cutting-edge quality
services
 and professionals from specific fields immediately depending on their excellent financial resources.
This
 hospital tends to invest more money in improving modern amenities with state-of-the-art equipment and technologies, which allows
patients
 to receive top medical procedures and treatments than the public centre. In conclusion,
while
 private
healthcare
 offers some disadvantages
such
 as high cost and
healthcare
 inequalities, these will bring more advantages including reducing the workload or advanced technologies. It seems to me that the merits are more considerable than its demerits.
Submitted by phamnhung275 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively, presenting both sides of the argument. However, while your ideas are clear, some of them could be further developed for depth. Try to expand more on specific examples and evidence to support your claims.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure, and paragraphs are well-linked. However, a few transitions between ideas could be smoother for better readability. You might want to use more transitional phrases to help guide the reader more easily through your arguments.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured, summarizing the main points effectively and providing a clear stance. This enhances the overall flow and comprehension of your essay.
supported main points
The main points in your essay are adequately supported, giving your arguments credibility. This is a strong element in achieving coherence and cohesion in your writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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