IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think paintings and drawings are as important as other education. What do you think?

#some #people #paintings #drawings #education
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When discussing the current
education
 system, some people underestimate the value of learning painting and drawing.
Although
 other forms of
education
, particularly core subjects, may seem too essential in modern society, I concur that
arts
 are as vital as other aspects of
education
, based on the following notions.
Firstly
, I believe that the significant link between
arts
 and emotional health is too strong to be denied. In the modern era where technology is excessively used and interpersonal interaction is scarce, the ability to express thoughts and feelings is extremely important. In fact, certain people use art to express their emotions as they cannot express them through other types of
education
, like mathematics.
Hence
, by having children and adults learn and practice painting and drawing, the high likelihood of suffering from emotional instability, depression, and suicidal attempts can be prevented.
Secondly
, I admit that schools should give higher emphasis to traditional courses
such
 as science
due to
 their prime role in helping individuals maintain their global competitiveness.
However
, I am more convinced that an
education
 system that gives value to different kinds of disciplines, including
arts
, ensures that people gain a more comprehensive learning experience.
This
 is not only critical for specific career paths but
also
 for other challenges they may face in today’s consistently changing society. In conclusion, I would like to reaffirm my stance that a combination of painting, drawing, and other varieties of
education
 is imperative for emotional wellness and a well-rounded learning experience. In short,
arts
 are as crucial as other classifications of
education
.
Submitted by xiaoruoling7 on

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task achievement
The essay maintains a clear position throughout the response regarding the importance of arts in education. However, there is room for development in providing clear and relevant examples to support arguments. The ideas presented need to be more thoroughly explained and exemplified to achieve a higher band score.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an adequate logical structure but would benefit from more varied connective words and transitions to enhance the flow of information. Additionally, you should ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon, rather than presenting multiple ideas that are not fully supported. The introduction and conclusion need to be stronger to frame the essay effectively.
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