IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think paintings and drawings are as important as other education. What do you think?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
When discussing the current
education
Use synonyms
 system, some people underestimate the value of learning painting and drawing.
Although
Linking Words
 other forms of
education
Use synonyms
, particularly core subjects, may seem too essential in modern society, I concur that
arts
Use synonyms
 are as vital as other aspects of
education
Use synonyms
, based on the following notions.
Firstly
Linking Words
, I believe that the significant link between
arts
Use synonyms
 and emotional health is too strong to be denied. In the modern era where technology is excessively used and interpersonal interaction is scarce, the ability to express thoughts and feelings is extremely important. In fact, certain people use art to express their emotions as they cannot express them through other types of
education
Use synonyms
, like mathematics.
Hence
Linking Words
, by having children and adults learn and practice painting and drawing, the high likelihood of suffering from emotional instability, depression, and suicidal attempts can be prevented.
Secondly
Linking Words
, I admit that schools should give higher emphasis to traditional courses
such
Linking Words
 as science
due to
Linking Words
 their prime role in helping individuals maintain their global competitiveness.
However
Linking Words
, I am more convinced that an
education
Use synonyms
 system that gives value to different kinds of disciplines, including
arts
Use synonyms
, ensures that people gain a more comprehensive learning experience.
This
Linking Words
 is not only critical for specific career paths but
also
Linking Words
 for other challenges they may face in today’s consistently changing society. In conclusion, I would like to reaffirm my stance that a combination of painting, drawing, and other varieties of
education
Use synonyms
 is imperative for emotional wellness and a well-rounded learning experience. In short,
arts
Use synonyms
 are as crucial as other classifications of
education
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay maintains a clear position throughout the response regarding the importance of arts in education. However, there is room for development in providing clear and relevant examples to support arguments. The ideas presented need to be more thoroughly explained and exemplified to achieve a higher band score.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an adequate logical structure but would benefit from more varied connective words and transitions to enhance the flow of information. Additionally, you should ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon, rather than presenting multiple ideas that are not fully supported. The introduction and conclusion need to be stronger to frame the essay effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: