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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effor to deal with the health issues involved. Some peole think the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #strain #health #care #system #effor #peole #education #lessons #school #curriculum
Recently the population has grown remarkably, which has had negative impacts on the health care system. Some argue that increasing
exercise
 and
sports
 lessons in
schools
 is one of the solutions to
this
 problem. I agree with the idea introducing more physical activities in the
school
 curriculum can tackle the obesity issue of the young generation.
Firstly
, introducing
exercise
 in
school
 is substantial for the
students
 to enhance good habits from their early
life
. To become healthy,
exercise
 is essential.
Therefore
,
schools
 should teach
students
 to
exercise
 in a proper way, which allows them to keep doing it even after leaving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
.
Also
 exercising from a younger age can give them more energy and stamina that help them to live lively in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 future
life
.
For example
, the countries where high
school
students
 do
exercise
 or
sports
 at least three times a week, have a smaller proportion of diseased people than other countries. More introduction of
exercise
 in
schools
 helps to reduce not only the obesity rate but
also
 the number of sick people.
Secondly
,
students
 could
exercise
 consistently in
schools
. Working out regularly is difficult if they are not forced to do so. Mandatory
exercise
 lessons in
school
 make student work out regularly, which leads a consistent
exercise
 in their
life
.
In addition
, competition during
exercise
 with friends in
schools
also
 helps them to keep working out. Competing with someone else adds some entertainment to
exercise
. Exercising alone is boring. Doing
sports
 with friends in
school
 can counteract these difficulties. In conclusion, introducing more
sports
 in
schools
 can help
students
 to make positive habits in their long
life
 and encourage them to keep doing
exercise
, which are the reasons that I agree with the given idea.
Submitted by marykoog7 on

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear and presents your stance effectively. However, you could enhance the task achievement by addressing the counter-argument briefly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with appropriate paragraphing. However, some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, adding more specific data or studies could strengthen your arguments.
supported main points
Your main points are well-supported and tied back to the prompt effectively.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay nicely.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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