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Band 6

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effor to deal with the health issues involved. Some peole think the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #strain #health #care #system #effor #peole #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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Recently the population has grown remarkably, which has had negative impacts on the health care system. Some argue that increasing
exercise
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 and
sports
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 lessons in
schools
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 is one of the solutions to
this
Linking Words
 problem. I agree with the idea introducing more physical activities in the
school
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 curriculum can tackle the obesity issue of the young generation.
Firstly
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, introducing
exercise
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 in
school
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 is substantial for the
students
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 to enhance good habits from their early
life
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. To become healthy,
exercise
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 is essential.
Therefore
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,
schools
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 should teach
students
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 to
exercise
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 in a proper way, which allows them to keep doing it even after leaving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
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.
Also
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 exercising from a younger age can give them more energy and stamina that help them to live lively in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 future
life
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.
For example
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, the countries where high
school
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students
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 do
exercise
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 or
sports
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 at least three times a week, have a smaller proportion of diseased people than other countries. More introduction of
exercise
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 in
schools
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 helps to reduce not only the obesity rate but
also
Linking Words
 the number of sick people.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
students
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 could
exercise
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 consistently in
schools
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. Working out regularly is difficult if they are not forced to do so. Mandatory
exercise
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 lessons in
school
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 make student work out regularly, which leads a consistent
exercise
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 in their
life
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.
In addition
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, competition during
exercise
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 with friends in
schools
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also
Linking Words
 helps them to keep working out. Competing with someone else adds some entertainment to
exercise
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. Exercising alone is boring. Doing
sports
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 with friends in
school
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 can counteract these difficulties. In conclusion, introducing more
sports
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 in
schools
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 can help
students
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 to make positive habits in their long
life
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 and encourage them to keep doing
exercise
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, which are the reasons that I agree with the given idea.
Submitted by marykoog7 on

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear and presents your stance effectively. However, you could enhance the task achievement by addressing the counter-argument briefly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with appropriate paragraphing. However, some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, adding more specific data or studies could strengthen your arguments.
supported main points
Your main points are well-supported and tied back to the prompt effectively.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay nicely.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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