IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The continued rise in world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by people?

#rise #world #population #humanity #time #people
In recent years, the main issue that
people
 are undergoing is the rise of
population
 in the
world
, continuously. There are certain reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 trend, and it can be seen as a compulsory concern among humans. These days,
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
world
 is
providing
Wrong verb form
provided
show examples
 with modern facilities
such
 as healthcare centers and health areas, which can be the fundamental reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
rising
Correct article usage
the rising
show examples
population
 in terms of age globally. To be specific, medical services
are playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 a crucial role in
overall
Add an article
the overall
show examples
 well-being of every individual associated with disease, leading to
offer
Correct article usage
the offer
show examples
drugs
Change preposition
of drugs
show examples
 for incurable illnesses and quick help in extreme conditions
such
 as
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
show examples
 pressure or heart-related problems.
Additionally
, among facilities, healthy food choices have a core role in the lives of
people
.
In other words
, foods are available everywhere with affordable costs, causing to give
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pressure on
people
 to
stay
Verb problem
maintain
show examples
 in healthy lifestyle that has a great contribution to
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 longer and
avoid from
Wrong verb form
avoiding
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
maternity leave. With the rise of
population
 all over the
world
, it often seems
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
this
 is the greatest problem
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 humanity, which is generally true. Despite the opportunities
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the government
of having
Change preposition
to have
show examples
 more
people
, rising demands for facilities may put the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of others in danger. In different ways,
for example
, as long as the amount of
people
reaches
Change the verb form
reach
show examples
 a certain level available land for crops, wildlife and forests might be disturbed completely, resulting
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
, carbon dioxide and loss of rare species
completely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
due to
 limited space.
Therefore
, in the near future, concerns may arise because of
world
population
, and it highly likely
depends
Add the preposition
depends on
show examples
 serious steps to tackle. In conclusion, available healthy foods and the advancements
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 medicine may be the main core byproduct of rising the number of
people
 worldwide, and it will definitely take
attention
Correct article usage
the attention
show examples
 of
people
due to
 its negative consequences later on.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure each paragraph has a clear main point and transitional phrases connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Ensure that each point you make directly addresses the essay prompt, which asks about the causes of population rise and whether it is the greatest problem. Also, try to elaborate more on your arguments with relevant examples or details.
overall
Try to use a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to make your essay more engaging.
task achievement
The essay addresses both parts of the prompt, discussing causes of population rise and whether it is the greatest problem faced by humanity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a good structure to the essay.
supported main points
The essay brings up relevant points, such as modern healthcare facilities and available food, and explains how they contribute to population rise.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: