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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some think schools should rewards students who have the best academic results, while others think it’s more important to reward students who achieve other types of success (such as sports, music, and good behaviour). Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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According to
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 some people,
Schools
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 should
reward
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 children who have good academic reputations
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
While
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,
whereas
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 some people think it's more important to
reward
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students
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 on the
basis
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 of other achievements. In my opinion,
Schools
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 should
reward
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 both types of
students
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. On one hand,Rewards can appreciate a person. If
schools
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 will
reward
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students
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 on the
basis
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 of academic results
then
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 every child will try to do better in his education.
This
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 thing will increase the competition among children.
For example
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,Oxford gives scholarships to their
students
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 who score highest in their exams.
As a result
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, every average student becomes more competitive and tries to do
as well as
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 possible in order to get that scholarship.
On the other hand
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, Some people think if institutes will
reward
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students
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 on the
basis
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 of another type of success
such
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 as music, sports, and good behaviour.they will
also
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 try to be more competent in those fields
As a result
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, they can become great sportsmen or a great musician with good behaviour.
For instance
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,Ronaldo is the top
football
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 player of all time.He says that he was never passionate about
football
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 but a few years back when he was in
college
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 he played
football
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 for his
college
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 team and he became the reason for his
college
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 team to win the match.So, His
college
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 rewarded him for
this
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 and he started visualising his career in
football
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.He started working hard and improving his
football
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 skills and now he is one of the top
football
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 players. In conclusion, From the above discussion,
it is clear that
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 appreciation in any form can impact anyone very deeply.So,My opinion is that
schools
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 should
reward
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students
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 on the
basis
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 of both academic
as well as
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 the other type of success.

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task achievement
While your essay provides a clear discussion of both viewpoints and includes relevant examples, there are areas where further elaboration is needed. For instance, your argument could benefit from explaining more about how rewarding non-academic success might impact students who excel in academics, and vice versa.
coherence cohesion
There were some issues with sentence structure and grammar which affected the clarity of ideas. For example, the use of 'While' and 'whereas' together in the first sentence is redundant.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph logically follows from the previous one, and try to use more transitional words and phrases ('Moreover,' 'Therefore,' etc.) to improve the flow of your essay. Some ideas seemed somewhat isolated from one another.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay well.
relevant specific examples
Your examples are relevant and help to illustrate your points effectively, particularly the story about Ronaldo.
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