Some think schools should rewards students who have the best academic results, while others think it’s more important to reward students who achieve other types of success (such as sports, music, and good behaviour). Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
According to
some people, Schools
should reward
children who have good academic reputationsCorrect word choice
apply
While
, whereas
some people think it's more important to reward
students
on the basis
of other achievements. In my opinion, Schools
should reward
both types of students
.
On one hand,Rewards can appreciate a person. If schools
will reward
students
on the basis
of academic results then
every child will try to do better in his education.This
thing will increase the competition among children.For example
,Oxford gives scholarships to their students
who score highest in their exams. As a result
, every average student becomes more competitive and tries to do as well as
possible in order to get that scholarship.
On the other hand
, Some people think if institutes will reward
students
on the basis
of another type of success such
as music, sports, and good behaviour.they will also
try to be more competent in those fields As a result
, they can become great sportsmen or a great musician with good behaviour.For instance
,Ronaldo is the top football
player of all time.He says that he was never passionate about football
but a few years back when he was in college
he played football
for his college
team and he became the reason for his college
team to win the match.So, His college
rewarded him for this
and he started visualising his career in football
.He started working hard and improving his football
skills and now he is one of the top football
players.
In conclusion, From the above discussion, it is clear that
appreciation in any form can impact anyone very deeply.So,My opinion is that schools
should reward
students
on the basis
of both academic as well as
the other type of success.Submitted by Saad Kamal on
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task achievement
While your essay provides a clear discussion of both viewpoints and includes relevant examples, there are areas where further elaboration is needed. For instance, your argument could benefit from explaining more about how rewarding non-academic success might impact students who excel in academics, and vice versa.
coherence cohesion
There were some issues with sentence structure and grammar which affected the clarity of ideas. For example, the use of 'While' and 'whereas' together in the first sentence is redundant.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph logically follows from the previous one, and try to use more transitional words and phrases ('Moreover,' 'Therefore,' etc.) to improve the flow of your essay. Some ideas seemed somewhat isolated from one another.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay well.
relevant specific examples
Your examples are relevant and help to illustrate your points effectively, particularly the story about Ronaldo.