IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. This has negative effects on themselves and the society they live in

#people #time #malls #effects #society
How to manage free
time
 effectively is always
concerning
Correct article usage
a concerning
show examples
issues
Fix the agreement mistake
issue
show examples
 for all
people
, especially young
people
.
This
 author opines that youngsters should not
squander
Verb problem
waste
show examples
 too much
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 spare
time
 in shopping malls because of wasting
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
money
a
Correct word choice
and a
show examples
loss of
time
 to relax and develop themselves. It is vital to acknowledge that
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 too much of their free
time
 in shopping malls means wasting lots of
money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 unnecessary goods. In
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
contemporary society, many young adults spend too much
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 leisure
time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
shopping and
ultilizing
Correct your spelling
utilising
money
 without thinking.
Consequently
, it leads to negative habits in expense
manage
Replace the word
management
show examples
 of the majority of
people
 nowadays.
Thus
, it is unnecessary for young
people
 to spend too much
time
 in shopping
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
. Another key component of the case for not spending lots of
time
 in supermarkets is juveniles don't have enough
time
 to develop themselves. It should be
self evident
Add a hyphen
self-evident
show examples
 that youngsters can radically use their spare
time
 to relax or learn
somethings
Fix the agreement mistake
something
show examples
for improving
Change preposition
to improve
show examples
 their knowledge
instead
 of squandering a lot of
money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 useless items. In
this
Correct your spelling
situation
situaion
Add a comma
situaion,
show examples
 they will have more useful experiences and social skills for their lives. It must
also
 noted that it is very essential for youngsters to spend their pleasant
time
 to improve their awareness. In conclusion, it can be seen that using lots of
freetime
Correct your spelling
free time
 just for shopping is very useless and unbeneficial things.
Therefore
, the youth should
mange
Correct your spelling
manage
show examples
 their
time
 scientifically for their work and their lives.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Strengthen your arguments with more specific examples and evidence. This will make your essay more convincing and show your ability to support your points effectively.
task achievement
Improve your range of vocabulary and grammar to express your ideas more precisely. Pay attention to minor spelling mistakes like 'utilizing' and 'situation'.
coherence and cohesion
Work on making transitions between paragraphs smoother. This will enhance the flow of your essay and improve coherence.
introduction and conclusion present
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay effectively.
supported main points
You have some good points regarding the negative impacts of excessive shopping on youth, which show your understanding of the topic.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • materialistic attitudes
  • excessive consumerism
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • peer pressure
  • financial irresponsibility
  • meaningful social relationships
  • family bonding
  • environmental degradation
  • commercial environments
  • productive activities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: