IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Why does BNI have to choose me as the officer Development Program at BNI?

#bni #officer #development #program
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I obtained my
bachelor
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bachelor's
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 degree from Gadjah Mada University with cumlaude predicate within 3.6 years, I
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
was also
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 shortlisted as an outstanding student of
faculty
Correct article usage
the faculty
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 of
law
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 in 2020. Concentrated
in
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on
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 business
law
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,
i
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I
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 have
done
Unnecessary verb
apply
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experiences,
such
Linking Words
 as winning some economic
law
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 essay
competition
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competitions
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,
comprehensive
Correct article usage
a comprehensive
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 understanding
in
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of
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 constitutional
law
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 reflected in my previous
law
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 as a head of division research and competition constitutional
law
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 society, and I
also
Linking Words
 work as a research assistant to my lectures in international
law
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 and environmental
law
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. In my current job, I handled
extensive
Correct article usage
an extensive
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 range
legal
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of legal
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 issues, most notably related to
SMEs
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SME
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 matters, international economic
agreement
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agreements
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, and legal matters related to
UU
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the UU
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 Cipta Kerja amendment. My ability to adapt
in
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to
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 various legal issues that
reflected
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are reflected
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 in my experiences is
a
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apply
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proof that I have
adaptive
Correct article usage
an adaptive
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 personality and have a to learn new things. As I have
deep
Add an article
a deep
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 interest in business
law
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, banking and finance is a sector that I’ll always
rooting on
Verb problem
strive
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 to dive deeper
.
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into.
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 The needs of
banking
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the banking
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 sector in disruption and digitalization can be fulfilled by a person who
adaptable
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is adaptable
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, highly passionate, and meticulous in
professional
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a professional
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 way (pls help me to fill
this
Linking Words
sentences
Fix the agreement mistake
sentence
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 I don’t know
wht
Correct your spelling
what
 to
fillP
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fill
. These needs make me a perfect ideal
of
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apply
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candidate to be
an
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in an
show examples
 officer development program.
Submitted by megyfebryanisyah on

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introduction conclusion present
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Although you managed to state your achievements and experiences, it's essential to frame your response with an introduction that briefly outlines your main points and a conclusion that reiterates why you are the ideal candidate for the position.
logical structure
Improve the logical structure of your essay. Segregate your thoughts into distinct paragraphs. For example, have one paragraph for academic achievements, one for professional experience, and another for skills and attributes that make you an ideal candidate.
supported main points
Further develop each main point by providing more details. For example, you mentioned handling extensive legal issues in your current job, but it would be beneficial to explain any particular case or project to give a clearer picture.
complete response
You have highlighted your academic accomplishments, such as graduating with a cum laude distinction and being shortlisted as an outstanding student, which reinforces your qualification for the program.
relevant specific examples
The inclusion of specific examples, like your role in research and competitions, helps in presenting your practical experience.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your clear interest in business law, banking, and finance sectors shows a targeted motivation for wanting to be part of the Officer Development Program at BNI.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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