IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Why does BNI have to choose me as the officer Development Program at BNI?

#bni #officer #development #program
I obtained my
bachelor
Change noun form
bachelor's
show examples
 degree from Gadjah Mada University with cumlaude predicate within 3.6 years, I
also
Add a missing verb
was also
show examples
 shortlisted as an outstanding student of
faculty
Correct article usage
the faculty
show examples
 of
law
 in 2020. Concentrated
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 business
law
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 have
done
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experiences,
such
 as winning some economic
law
 essay
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
,
comprehensive
Correct article usage
a comprehensive
show examples
 understanding
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 constitutional
law
 reflected in my previous
law
 as a head of division research and competition constitutional
law
 society, and I
also
 work as a research assistant to my lectures in international
law
 and environmental
law
. In my current job, I handled
extensive
Correct article usage
an extensive
show examples
 range
legal
Change preposition
of legal
show examples
 issues, most notably related to
SMEs
Change the noun form
SME
show examples
 matters, international economic
agreement
Fix the agreement mistake
agreements
show examples
, and legal matters related to
UU
Correct article usage
the UU
show examples
 Cipta Kerja amendment. My ability to adapt
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 various legal issues that
reflected
Add a missing verb
are reflected
show examples
 in my experiences is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
proof that I have
adaptive
Correct article usage
an adaptive
show examples
 personality and have a to learn new things. As I have
deep
Add an article
a deep
show examples
 interest in business
law
, banking and finance is a sector that I’ll always
rooting on
Verb problem
strive
show examples
 to dive deeper
.
Change preposition
into.
show examples
 The needs of
banking
Add an article
the banking
show examples
 sector in disruption and digitalization can be fulfilled by a person who
adaptable
Add a missing verb
is adaptable
show examples
, highly passionate, and meticulous in
professional
Change the article
a professional
show examples
 way (pls help me to fill
this
sentences
Fix the agreement mistake
sentence
show examples
 I don’t know
wht
Correct your spelling
what
 to
fillP
Correct your spelling
fill
. These needs make me a perfect ideal
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
candidate to be
an
Change preposition
in an
show examples
 officer development program.
Submitted by megyfebryanisyah on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Although you managed to state your achievements and experiences, it's essential to frame your response with an introduction that briefly outlines your main points and a conclusion that reiterates why you are the ideal candidate for the position.
logical structure
Improve the logical structure of your essay. Segregate your thoughts into distinct paragraphs. For example, have one paragraph for academic achievements, one for professional experience, and another for skills and attributes that make you an ideal candidate.
supported main points
Further develop each main point by providing more details. For example, you mentioned handling extensive legal issues in your current job, but it would be beneficial to explain any particular case or project to give a clearer picture.
complete response
You have highlighted your academic accomplishments, such as graduating with a cum laude distinction and being shortlisted as an outstanding student, which reinforces your qualification for the program.
relevant specific examples
The inclusion of specific examples, like your role in research and competitions, helps in presenting your practical experience.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your clear interest in business law, banking, and finance sectors shows a targeted motivation for wanting to be part of the Officer Development Program at BNI.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: