Some people say arts such as music and painting cannot directly improve the quality of people's life, so the government should not put money on art such as music and painting, instead, they should spend more money on construction of public services. Do you agree or disagree?
Some individuals believe that the state should pay for public life works rather than raising funds for the educational arts subjects because these are not contributors to their future growth. I strongly disagree with the statement since
such
creative sectors provide learners with more platforms to show their hidden talents and also
give them financial freedom.
To commence with, in most of the regions, a number of folks consider that students outperform in non-academic subjects,
and induction of several international events is a greater opportunity for younger to showcase their inbuilt skills confidently. Aesthetic painting shows an artist's emotions and deliberations and , Remove the comma
apply
moreover
, music depicts the singer's mindfulness and, the consequences success has ingrained itself into their lives. Without a doubt, there are an increasing number of arts seminars both locally and globally, which is only the reason for the generation's interest.
Furthermore
, non-technical fields are more prominent than technical imparting the students job opportunities with decent income compared with science groups musician earned four times more than an engineer by introducing only one concert. For example
, leading research in America has shown that non-formal sectors have 60 per cent of the country's economy . Hence
, I also
opine that ,in a world-fast race, self-possession should be encouraged which not only enhances creativity but is also
magnificent for the future.
In conclusion, although
human welfare is the basic need for a country's prosperity and development, I suspect that it is unfair to think that continuing artistic areas is just a waste of money , it reflects the betterment of human inspiration and also
reduces unemployment for a vibrant future.Submitted by iqrariaz54 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. However, try to ensure your main points are more clearly distinguished from each other and fully developed. This will improve the logical flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Work on making your arguments clearer and more comprehensive. Include more specific examples and explanations to support your points. This will help to clearly convey your ideas and make your response more complete.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, clearly stating your position on the topic and summarizing your points.
Task Achievement
You provided some strong arguments about the importance of arts in education and their benefits, such as fostering creativity and providing financial freedom.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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