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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Task 2: Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #health #person #services #companies #care
Some believe that staying healthy is so crucial that medical services should be accessible to all,
therefore
 e commercial entities should not operate
this
service
.
Although
 private
health
 can provide high-quality
service
,
this
 advantage is outweighed by its drawbacks to inequality and profitable treatments. The most advantageous of private
health
care
 is the quality of
service
. To put it simply,in order to become attractive, these companies invest significantly in facilities, patient
care
,etc,
thus
 there will be a good experience for patients in the process of curing.
However
, in many developed countries public hospitals are
also
 upgraded by the government to make them more accessible for residents,
therefore
 not only private hospitals have good
service
 but
also
 public ones.
As a result
, many residents choose public hospitals over private healthcare because of the downsides of it.
Nevertheless
, I think that private
health
care
 has more disadvantages.
First,
the inequality will be increased because the
service
 is based on the patient’s ability to pay, leading to fewer options for low-income individuals,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
aggravating the gap between the rich and the poor.
Secondly
, owing to earning money, the private providers usually prioritize the methods, and solutions that are more profitable or try to prolong the process of curing to receive more benefits from patients.
Consequently
, private
health
care
 is only suitable for affluent individuals. In conclusion, I am not in favour of the opinion that profit-making companies operate medical services as private
health
care
 because of unfair situations and financial cures,
although
 these organizations can offer a high standard of
service
 for wealthy patients
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task achievement
Be sure to clearly address both sides of the argument. The essay somewhat presents the advantages and disadvantages but needs more detailed arguments or counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that need correction to strengthen the clarity of the essay. Proofread to avoid small mistakes.
task achievement
Expand on your points with more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Clarify your main points in each paragraph. The ideas are there, but some sentences could be better structured to improve readability.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states the issue and your position on it, which gives a good foundation for the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your argument, tying back to your initial statement.
complete response
You have managed to cover the main idea of the topic, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare systems.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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