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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that social networking sites have a hug negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

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In recent times, technology has become increasingly advanced, and many applications have been created to support individuals’ work.
Therefore
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, it is argued that social networking
sites
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 may offer several immense detrimental impacts on both the personal and societal levels. I would argue that
although
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 social networking
sites
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 will be able to offer certain drawbacks, there are more positive impacts
such
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 as experiencing diverse cultures and gaining new knowledge or skills. At first glance, the main drawback of social networking
platforms
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 is social impact. Once
people
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 typically work only on their screens and in their rooms, they tend to lose their confidence when they step outside their comfort zones.
Consequently
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, it will mitigate personal abilities in order to express themselves.
According to
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a
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apply
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social
behavior
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behaviour
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 research conducted by Tokyo University in 2023, over 60% of regular social
media
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users
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 struggle with their self-confidence and verbal expression in the workplace after
Covid-19
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the Covid-19
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 pandemic. Despite the downside of using social
media
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platforms
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, there are two benefits.
Firstly
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, when
users
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 engage in social
media
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platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
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, they have a tendency to experience diversely.
This
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 is because
people
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 globally access the same
sites
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,
such
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 as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, which allow
users
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 to meet
people
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 from different backgrounds or nations, and
this
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 is the feature connecting
people
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 together.
As a result
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, those who aim to study abroad or move to other countries for employment, and they enable to adapt to the new environment quickly, especially to language barriers and culture shocks across the country. The other benefit is new knowledge gained. Social
media
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platforms
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 have become a place for sharing information from various sources, which offers potential benefits to its
users
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.
For instance
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, governments frequently post information regarding volunteers on social
media
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platforms
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 because
in
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, in
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this
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 way, it easily approaches voluntary seekers. Because of
this
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, individuals have opportunities to participate and improve their resumes. In conclusion,
although
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 social networking
sites
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 carry some drawbacks
on
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in
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 social impact, these
platforms
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 may offer valuable advantages in terms of diversity and information awareness.

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task achievement
You effectively address both aspects of the task by mentioning both the negative and positive impacts of social networking sites. However, try to provide a more balanced discussion by including more examples or expanding on the negative impacts to ensure a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Make sure each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next to further enhance cohesion. Adding linking phrases between paragraphs would improve readability.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively sets the stage by mentioning both the potential drawbacks and benefits of social networking sites.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the research by Tokyo University and references to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, help to illustrate your points clearly.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is clear, making it easy to follow your arguments.
coherence cohesion
You successfully include both an introduction and a conclusion, reinforcing your overall argument.
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