IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that family has the most powerful influence on a child’s development, while others think that other factors such as television, friend, music have the biggest effects. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#people #influence #child’s #development #factors #television #friend #music #effects
Opinions are divided on whether the family should be the primary influence on a
child
's development or those external factors
such
 as television, friends and music play the key role. Personally, I am inclined to support the former perspective. On the one hand, children nowadays at a certain age will be exposed to the Internet and many electronic devices.
For instance
, TV shows are shaping the behaviour of children as they tend to mimic what they have watched on the big screen.
In addition
 to that, music can be taught at an early age at school to make a significant impact on kids' moods and feelings.
However
, there is a drawback that people left out of
this
side
Correct your spelling
site
show examples
 are the bad effects those external sources may cause to their kids,
as well as
 there is no proper way to control those effects.
On the other hand
, talking about family, there are multiple values we can influence on our
child
 from a very early stage of life. It is a fact that kids have a special bond with their
parents
 from the newborn stage, and
this
 bond develops during the grow-up period of the kid eventually.
Moreover
,
parents
 can teach their children many essential lessons, from mother tongue language to moral behaviours in society.
As a result
, good
parents
 caring can nurture a good behaviour
child
. In conclusion, there is no doubt that the reasons appear valid on both sides, yet my opinion leans toward the necessity of
parents
 to affect
child
 development. As raising a kid is an obligation of the
parents
, we should raise our awareness on
this
 matter in any public society.
Submitted by xbinh91 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This will help strengthen your essay and make your points more persuasive.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each point mentioned for clearer and more comprehensive ideas. Adding more depth to each argument will improve the clarity of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph is well-developed and clearly linked to the main argument. This helps to improve coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which improves the overall structure.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow between paragraphs is generally good, which enhances the reader's understanding of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, though they could be further developed with more detailed examples.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary influence
  • development
  • instill values
  • norms
  • emotional foundation
  • social skills
  • role modeling
  • socioeconomic status
  • opportunities
  • resources
  • external factors
  • peer influence
  • teenage years
  • impact mood
  • cultural understanding
  • environment
  • role models
  • social media
  • shaping modern childhoods
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!