IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teens working outweigh the disadvantages?

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Childhood is an amazing time and it does not come again.
Therefore
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, many parents believe that their
kids
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 should have as many
toys
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 as they want. There are many merits like it helps children to develop curiosity but there are
also
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 some demerits
such
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 as it distracts them from
studies
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 and social life. Both advantages and disadvantages are elaborated in
further
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 paragraphs. Several benefits of owning a huge number of
toys
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 by a child can be considered. The predominant impact can be observed in their curiosity about learning
as well as
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 trying to do new things.
This
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 empowers their inner creativity, helps them understand new concepts, makes their logic more powerful, and
also
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 helps them explore new horizons.
For example
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,
kids
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 with several
toys
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 will understand how different types of
toys
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 work, what's inside them, what precautions are needed to use them, and
last
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 but not least how to repair them.
However
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, the downsides are
also
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 significant in
this
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 trend. The primary drawback is that it will saturate youth's interest in formal
studies
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as well as
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 social life. The more the
kids
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 spend time with
toys
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 the more they enjoy them which distracts them from their
studies
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 and makes them introverted.
For instance
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, a recent study published by the University of Toronto indicated that those under 14 years old who have more than five
toys
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 are struggling to keep up with their
studies
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 and do not have any real friends.
To conclude
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,
this
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 new trend initiated by parents to get a large number of
toys
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 for their
kids
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 can develop a keen interest in learning new things but it
also
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 separates them from the real world.

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task achievement
Try to balance the advantages and disadvantages more evenly to provide a more comprehensive view. Expanding on both points will enhance your discussion. Consider both short-term and long-term impacts on children's development.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are serviceable, they could be developed further to offer a stronger start and end to your argument. Consider a more engaging thesis statement and a summarizing conclusion that encapsulates your arguments.
task achievement
The essay explores an interesting aspect of childhood development with a fair examination of both sides. This balanced approach gives insight into the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs, making it easy to follow the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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