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Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that family has the most powerful influence on a child’s development, while others think that other factors such as television, friend, music have the biggest effects. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

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There is debate regarding whether
parents
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 play an essential role in a child’s development or whether other external elements like friendship, the technological and electronic devices affect the bloom. In
this
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 essay, both points of view and the opinions that I as the writer will be discussed. On the one hand,
parents
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 are the guardians of their little ones from birth. They take the position of correcting and teaching the right way of behaviour and social manners.
Additionally
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, the kids will keep mimicking words, expressions, and acts from their surroundings and it is their guardian’s responsibility to teach them what is polite and impolite.
For instance
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, youngsters have zero knowledge about what sort of greeting should they do when meeting people from other backgrounds or genders. That’s when
parents
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 use their superpower and rescue the kids from an embarrassing situation by simply reminding them whom they should shake hands or hug.
Therefore
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, children are the mirror of the parent’s actions. The more they pay attention to the offspring, the better the child’s development will be.
Nonetheless
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, there are some other aspects that leave an impact on the blossom of young people. Living in
this
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 era, humans are engaged in using technological platforms and electronic machines
such
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 as the Internet and the TV at a young age. The devices are used for a number of reasons like listening to music, studying, making online friends, and watching movies.
Although
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 they may seem of
such
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 great use for little ones , not all content they show is relevant to young ages.
For example
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, in some cartoons aggressive and violent actions happen and children might want to repeat them which can be harmful to themselves and others.
That is
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 why
parents
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 must have full control over the types of content they allow kids to see or read.
As a consequence
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, the little ones’ way of behaving will not be affected by a negative environment.
To sum up
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, a child’s development is based on many features that lead to becoming a helpful member of society or bad outcome. In order to secure a bright future
parents
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 must create a good environment and provide guidance for a kid alongside analyzing the skills and understanding provided for them on modern devices.

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task achievement
Including a more nuanced discussion of both sides of the argument would strengthen your essay. Try to delve deeper into how exactly external factors like friends and music might influence a child's development.
coherence and cohesion
Work on refining sentence structures to enhance clarity and coherence. For instance, avoid overly long sentences which may confuse the reader. Moreover, succinctly summarizing points at the end can help maintain coherence.
grammar and word choice
Check for grammar and word choice accuracy. For example, 'bloom' might be better expressed as 'growth' or 'development'.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states the topic and your intent to discuss both points of view, setting the stage for a comprehensive essay.
task achievement
You provide specific examples to support your points, such as the discussion about greetings and the influence of television content. This helps in illustrating your arguments effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion nicely summarizes your main points, reinforcing your stance on the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary influence
  • development
  • instill values
  • norms
  • emotional foundation
  • social skills
  • role modeling
  • socioeconomic status
  • opportunities
  • resources
  • external factors
  • peer influence
  • teenage years
  • impact mood
  • cultural understanding
  • environment
  • role models
  • social media
  • shaping modern childhoods
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