In the 20th century, contact between many different parts of the world has developed rapidly through air travel and telecommunications. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Communication
among various nations all over the world has experienced significant improvement by assisting plain and remount communications about one hundred years ago.
While
some demerits can be mentioned for
this
, I think merits can overshadow the negative
points
. On the one hand, I concede that using
aeroplane
Fix the agreement mistake
aeroplanes
show examples
and telecommunication has played an important role in
communication
within the world ranging from export,
helping
Change preposition
to helping
show examples
in emergency situations, etc.
However
, the benefit of aeroplanes is said to be utterly costly especially
travelling
Rephrase
when travelling
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among countries or continents. Apart from that, controlling aeroplanes needs an expert pilot and if the pilot were not professional, several dangerous conditions would occur.
Furthermore
, telecommunications needs special equipment which requires an expert engineer who they not only able to send messages accurately but
also
prevent misunderstanding. All of these may need cost and knowledge.
However
, I think
this
development is worth
this
expense.
On the other hand
, by finding
air
as a way of
communication
with other associations,new cultural aspects are introduced that not only cause exchange culture and related issues
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
bring an opportunity to use positive
points
of different cultures.
Moreover
,the great beneficial
points
of
air
travelling may be its fast speed and safe
communication
.
For example
, many years ago, people had to
travel
by camels or after a
while
, by car. Their
travel
might
last
too long and
also
, they were not able to
travel
too far since it took a long time.
As a result
, they discourage travelling. But in the 20th century, everything , especially travelling, has developed and now people are usually able to
travel
by
air
plain or send their messages and information readily and accurately. In my opinion, the positive
points
of
air
travel
and remount connections outweigh its negative aspects. In conclusion,
Although
it is argued that travelling by aeroplane or helicopter may have some disadvantages
such
as its cost and needing equipment and expert individuals, I wholeheartedly believe that
due to
its benefit for providing the chance to exchange culture that causes globalization, and
also
, it is fast and safe messaging which might be a great beneficial point, positives overcome its negatives.
Submitted by Maral.qanbarii1992 on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the prompt well, try to clarify the main points in each paragraph for better readability. For example, introduce each of your main points early in the paragraph so that your argument is easier to follow.
clear comprehensive ideas
Although the arguments are clear and supported with examples, some explanations could benefit from more development. For example, elaborate on how cultural exchange specifically benefits people.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, work on smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help tie your ideas together more effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the prompt, considering both advantages and disadvantages before concluding that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, providing a clear opening and closing to the essay.
supported main points
Examples are relevant and support the points being made. Discussing the historical context of travel and communication was a good choice.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • global trade
  • economic boost
  • cultural exchange
  • global peace
  • educational resources
  • carbon emissions
  • environmental degradation
  • social isolation
  • economic inequality
  • technological dependence
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